clarity and confusion

a lot of things have happened to me

in the past month that could potentially

win the award of most ugly experiences

ever!

but its made me realise that sometimes

some things are just beyond your control

really and there are some things you will

never understand.

and it will be annoying and frustrating

and could potentially drive you nuts

but the situation will never change and there

is nothing you can do about it but well

suck it up like a 'man' and move on

lesson learned.

i've been blogging for over a year now.

i hoped for this to be anonymous

but it never really worked out that way.

i've never really got the point of this blog

but i guess its just where i come to relieve

stress.

i don't know if i will continue to randomly blog

or if i will blog more often like i've been promising to

or if i will just close this blog

i'm not sure.

i'm not sure about a lot of things

i hoped that by writing i would get clarity.

but it seems that the more i figure

something out. the more confused i get.

maybe i will never get it.

maybe i should stop trying to figure out

what's good and what's bad

what's right and what's wrong

i'm tired of being confused.

i'm tired of being misunderstood

but more importantly,

i'm tired of not really

understanding me.

my madre says i should stop thinking

maybe that is my problem i think a lot

but then, that is what makes me, me.

cheating on me.

ahriel's thoughts an hour after she finds out...

how could he do this?

how could he do this to me? to us?

does he not love me any more?

does he not value what we have?

twelve hours after....

is something wrong with me?

am i not good enough any more?

is she better than me? is she prettier?

what has she got that i don't?

what does she do that i don't?

her best friends voice in her head....thirty six hours after...

he is just a selfish son of a bitch!

i can't believe he would sleep

with that slut!

you can do better than this

you don't deserve this

he needs to go!

levi's thoughts after sleeping with jasmine

oh fuck! what have i done?

shit shit shit! ahriel can't find out

i am fucked if she does..

eleven hours after...

that was one helluva fuck

wow she was hot

but she doesn't compare to my girl

she was just too good to pass up

but damn my girl can't find out

forty-eight hours after...

damn damn damn! how did she find out

how will i explain that it didn't mean anything

how will i get her to forgive me?

how can i make her see its her i love?

how can i make her see its her i want?

the break up...

you are such a jerk

how could u do this to me

baby i'm sorry

it didn't mean anything

it was an honest mistake

i didn't mean to hurt you

i don't care i cant trust you

get out

i hate you

baby pls you have to

understand me

she didn't mean anything

so what was it? just

a little bit of fun?

yes baby, that's all it was

its you i want

you're the one i love

well you just lost me..

two hours before he slept with her...

hot sexy girl walks by...

levi looks and instantly gets hard

i wonder what she will feel like

with my hand through her hair

hi my name is levi

*killer smile, perfect teeth*

i'm jasmine

can i....

three days after the break up...

ahriel's thoughts

i still love him

i wasn't ready to let go

was he really telling the truth?

he was the love of my life

i want him so much

i miss him so much

what have i done?

levi's thoughts

how do i get her back?

how can i prove to her

that she is all i want?

how can i prove to her

she's the one for me

and i'm the one for her

sometimes cheating isn't such a big deal

in a relationship i guess the most important things

are or rather should be

love, trust and respect. and i don't think

any of them can exist independent of each other

but then do we actually ever really

love completely? trust completely?

respect without reservations?

a relationship at least in this

context is between two people

not three. always keep it that way.

cheating does not signify the end

of a relationship...its just another bump

yes it may be an abuse of trust

yes it can compromise your relationship

yes its a horrible thing to do

yes the hurt you feel could be devastating

in a relationship, every wrong doing is just as bad..no matter what it is

lying is just as bad as cheating.

because you are in essence abusing trust and compromising your relationship.

p.s: my birthday was good...i got so much love. and i'm grateful for the people

in my life.

one life.

sometimes i wonder why we act with so much caution, why do we think before we act, why we always want to act right, do what's right, try to avoid mistakes, take minimal risks...

and i'm not entirely sure why we act this way...

is it to avoid problems, is it to make sure that we don't go off the rails, is it to avoid getting hurt

but no matter what we do, we will still have problems, might still go off the rails, will still get hurt

its my birthday soon. and i'm not as excited as i should be. i'm getting older and people around me keep going on about it, then i realise i haven't done anything with my life, i've experienced very little.

i act with so much caution, keep myself safe, live only in my comfort zone because i refuse to allow myself feel so vulnerable. i like feeling safe. i can go only so far and then hold myself back, keep parts of me hidden.

keep muttering to myself...hold back, just a little.

i want to experience more, do more with myself.

being safe has made me lose things i wasn't ready to give up on

its made me not have what i want sometimes

i want a kind of care free life you know

going with the flow kind of thing

take more risks, keep my eyes closed and do things

not thinking about the consequences

experience things

we only get one life.

and i want to live it.

perfection

...is pointless.

why do we look to be perfect, when we will never be?

why do we want perfect, when it will never be?

why do we need perfection, when it will never be?

this is from a song i like...

"we're only human ohh yes we are"

i think its really important that we remember that, we sometimes get too caught up trying to make ourselves better, that we forget that we can only go so far...we weren't made to be perfect.

imperfections...

we are all imperfect

and this is what

makes us human

Hey, its been a while. I have exams and such and i'm burnt out.

studying has become a myth and other things have taken over.

i have my last exam tomorrow, somehow i will ace it.

Oh and this is for roc

yes he does...and i am trying.

i wish it was better.

So far..my holiday sucks.

I'm not going to Lagos, so I'm sad. I don't know why mother wants to stay here for Christmas its so boring. Its snowing which makes everything worse. I've been home for like four days and all I've done is stay in bed and watch glee.

I did go to see Law Abiding Citizen with my friend the other day, awesome movie. And we had nando's after..yummy :) I heart everything chicken.

I have nothing to blog about. I just wanted to rant about how shitty my holiday has been. Did I neglect to mention that I love twitter? omg! twitter is the best, after my phone of course. Twitter allows me to blow off steam so I have no reason to blog smh. I do have some drafts, I'm just not sure I'm willing to post them...yet. I may change my mind.

My friend asked me what was the use of a boyfriend? and I have to admit that question got me thinking. I haven't got an answer yet but when I do, I'll be sure to come back and tell.

Here are some random pics off my phone.

That was my dinner one day, didn't turn out as planned.

Did I mention that I make the best indomie ever?

My friend sent me that the other day, BEWARE GUYS!

Defining Myself For Myself

Last night I had a sudden need to explain myself to someone, but I couldn't. I realised that although I am living I am yet to define myself. It is important to me to do this...

"If you don’t define yourself for yourself then you will be crushed into other's fantasies of you and eaten alive"- Audre Lorde

One of my favourite quotes ever. Its not an easy thing to define yourself for yourself especially when you cannot explain yourself. The quote reminds me everyday the importance of being true to yourself and expressing yourself the best way you can, ignoring the consequences.

Its important not to do things because of the fear of the consequences

Good things happen

but so do

Bad things

Deal with it
we sometimes forget that the good comes with the bad

I don't believe in shielding yourself from pain

Thats not living

and it is important to me to

Live

not just exist but live.

I live by one rule - Love&Live, I say that to myself everyday. I think I am awesome, excuse my tone of conceitedness, actually scratch that I don't care.

Mediocre existence is not for me.

I mean how can there be so much out there and I will refuse to experience and feel all there is to experience, this is why I have a problem with people who don' t want to get heart broken; frankly it makes no sense to me.

Pain is essential to living, why? because its the opposite of love. and to have love you must have pain.

I want more than is handed to me. I need more than is handed to me.

But I digress. The point of this however, is to point out that I cannot define myself but I want to.

Its hard because I'm still searching for what is me.

I have strong opinions, but they change as I grow&learn more.

I have learnt a lot about myself this year, more than I have in the other 17years of my life

I have fears like everyone else, mine are just buried a lot deeper

I have aspirations like everbody else, they are just a lot more pronounced

I have dreams like everybody else, but unlike most mine comes with several plans

I will be a mighty big star one day, some day, some how

...eventhough it is necessary to define myself for myself, I don't have to do it right this very minute...I am still searching. So please understand when I say its not something I can explain, because I really do mean it literally.

I had a fun weekend doing nothing spent the time with my friend in nottingham, now I'm back to school totally swamped with work. I can wait for christmas but I can't wait for school to be over. I don't even know what I'm doing for christmas just yet...but I hope I do something fun. I already made a wishlist :) I'm hoping I get everything I want.

I think I should do something fun this weekend...need to de-stress, any ideas? oh that was from this weekend my girlies&i wanted to share.

&more random pics of my two favourite pairs of shoes &my friend jumai i ♥ them all

Oh and here is the first thing of my wishlist earrings, i lost my pair of gold studs so I need new ones and I can't decide on which one I like more...opinions are very welcome.

This one is a Tiffany beaded earring

&this is a tiffany notes earring

Welcome Back!

The lights were turned low, I could smell the sweet smell of my lavender candles..

As I got closer to the room I could hear the music

Isley brothers..between the sheets

So he didn't forget our anniversary, I thought.

Smiled to myself. Then the

Anticipation

Excitement

Lust

Nervousness

Those are the only words that could describe how I felt...

We hadn't had sex in over 2 months..

Opening the door slowly & quietly so I could surprise him

Then I heard it..

The moaning, panting..

Nearly fainted because of the shock

I stood there and watched my husband of five years fuck another...

Man.

Hi guys! Its been ages.
I've just been caught up with a lot of school work and stuff.

I didn't know uni was this... I'm not sure how to describe it becasue

Stressful
Tiring
Always occupied

Don't just cut it.

I hated my first night here..I cried.

I loved the next two weeks, partied a lot. Lived the life a true fresher.

I hated my course for about a week. Now I love love it, well some of it.

Its so challenging and so thought provoking, I'm actually having a good time studying and stuff *really weird*

This is a random post in case u were wondering. I felt I was neglecting my blog.

Its 1.43 am and I'm studying some of Karl Marx's work.

I feel like I'm doing 3 courses instead of just 2. Its like philosophy is being added to my politics & economics

I have two essays already :(

I've been eating like a fool lately, I cook too much so I eat too much. I actually feel my jeans getting tighter.

The weather here is horribly cold :( I miss London.

I have to get back to my studying :) I hope everyone is having a good week.

Love & Live.

Letting Go

“Your heart just breaks, that's all. But you can't judge, or point fingers."
-Audrey Hepburn

I heard my bb vibrate from underneath my pillow, I thought it was my mum with her daily 'checking up on my baby' emails.
So I ignored it for a while, angry that I'd woken up so early after all it was only 11.20 I didn't need to be up that early.

I got up layzed about the house a bit, and finally decided to read my emails..The first email I saw wasn't from mother....it was a reply to an email I had sent a million light years ago...ok that's an exaggeration it wasn't that long ago.

I read it pretty quickly, then i read it again just to be sure...

It brought back memories, memories to a time I would rather forget, memories of times when I would just sit and cry with so much pain

So I went upstairs to my room, took me a while to get there, my feet felt heavy, my heart felt weary, i was distraught, i'd been pushed back to a place where I was trying so hard to forget, I laid down and curled my self into a ball and cried...

cried till my eyes were red, cried till I had no more tears left to cry...then I thought about him

It had been a blissful couple of weeks the times we shared, it had been wonderful, I had loved and lived for our conversations...I had convinced myself that I was in love with this guy, I mean how could I not love him, he made me so happy and he was everything I wanted

But good things never last too long do they?

I read the email again...and I finally understood what she meant

Focus on yourself and your happiness, because if you don't let him go, he will be still controlling your happiness.

Funny thing is he was controlling my happiness and the sad thing is I let him do it, I mean every time I saw something about him or his girl or whatever, my heart would go all funny on me and I would hate him, then I would remember everything he said..

all the hoping and wishing for a time when we could be together, but then its like I had an epiphany, I'd been holding on to something that wasn't real anymore, holding on to false hope, and false dreams, but shit having a broken heart had to be the most emotionally damaging thing ever...

People have to be held responsible for their choices, and if he chose someone else, then he has to understand that he lost you as a result

I was coming to realise that holding out for him to somehow find his way back to me wasn't healthy, harbouring all this bad feelings towards him wasn't healthy, wishing that one day he'd catch on that I was the one for him was definitely not healthy

simply put i had to let go.

but shit wasn't easy.

still isn't

Moving on is simple, it’s what you leave behind that makes it so difficult

I made a promise to myself that morning, that if I was letting go, it meant no turning back.

I do not wish to erase my memories of him, rather I wish to feel all the hurt and the pain, because I know there will be such a time when this feeling will be but a distant memory, and my memories of him will be blurry.

It's really painful to say goodbye to someone that you don't want to let go

p.s: i'll put the wedding pics up soon, i promise.

p.p.s: this is dedicated to anyone who is going through a hard time

D&G Topless Sexiness

I'm not a big fan of D & G, to be honest I'd actually prefer to stay away from them. But this is an exception. I'm in love with all things sexy and this caught my attention.

I was in front of the train station one day and a bus went past with this D & G ad

Its the ad campaign for D&G's Fragrance Anthology with some 90's supermodels - Naomi Campbell, Eva Herzigova, Claudia Schiffer and some younger male models (who if I might add are extremely hot) Fernando Fernandes, Noah Mills and Tyson Ballou in the ads for their new fragrance shot by Mario Testino.

These ad's are really sexy and for someone like me it could really make me fall in love with D&G - I like the simplicity and sexiness - its almost divine.

The fragrances are unisex, they've already been launched in america but there's a global launch set for September...I can't wait to try them out. To add a mysterious twist on things, the names for the five scents were inspired by tarot cards - Le Bateleur 1, L’Imperatrice 3, L’Amoreaux 6, La Roue de la Fortune 10, and La Lune 18.





This I think is the sexiest of all

uni bound...

I haven't been here in a while, I've just been super busy sorting out my uni stuff and I've been travelling a lot lately. First off, yours truly as luu would say is now a big girl lol...I AM OFFICIALLY A UNI STUDENT lol like I have an ID number and a dorm room and everything.

I am super duper excited.

but....

I'm not sure I want to study economics and politics anymore now :( like I saw the modules I have to study and I am scared of the maths in economics lol and somehow politics has just lost its appeal.

the only reason I was going to study both was because I really enjoyed economics at A levels and I've just always been fascinated and interested by politics...I am not looking to get a career out of either because I want to do PR lol but don't ask why I'm not studying something like journalism.

i'm scared of maths because I really don't like it, like I can do it, force myself to get through and get good grades but I honestly don't enjoy studying it...me and numbers, well we just don't flow...and I haven't done maths in 2 yrs.....like wtf am I going to do??

reason I didn't pick media or journalism is because i felt it was too restrictive, i wanted something versatile something that would allow me do most things and i'm not sure studying media or journalism would allow me to do that.

when i graduate I wanna do PR...mostly fashion PR like runway shows etc or work in a magazine...(because some day I want to own my own)...so thats the dream.

so what should I do people? do I change to do something like media and communications, journalism etc. (where i know i would really enjoy studying it)..or just stick it out...

plus people have been putting me off you know, saying I'm crazy to be doing combined honours...but whatever.

i'm just uber confused, help me somebody, please.

yeah so i'm going uni shopping soon im super excited i can't wait.

and the best part peoples is that IM MOVING away lol to a whole new city....so excited...but I'm gonna miss London tho.

so i just wanted to come say hey to ppl's and i did promise a proper post last time right?...forgive me, I will post something soon.