Monday, 15 August 2016

From my heart

I am going through such a painful hurtful time.
I seem to only come to on this blog when matters of the heart arise.
I was hoping with this relationship I was not going to go through any more heartbreaks
Obviously, I thought very wrong.

Nonetheless, I believe as always what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger
It's been a little over two weeks, I have less bad days now than I did a week ago
The sad, confused state is over 
I am now trying to work out what happened
But now, the anger is starting to set in

I don't want to be angry because someone rejected me
I want to love them despite the pain I feel
Not love him as if he were my lover
But love him that I feel no animosity.

This year has been a year of struggle for me.
I have finally accepted that I am different
And though the world tries to break me, I find that I am more confident in my uniqueness
Last year, I committed my life fully to God
And I am happy I am now following the way Christ has laid down for me

I asked him to break and remould me 
Starting from the inside
And I know HE is working inside of me
And in the right season, I WILL bear fruit

I am thankful God has blessed me with a content spirit
No matter how much or how little I have
I have learnt to not want what I don't have
I have learnt to not even allow such thoughts cross my mind

Through this heartbreak, I know God will do a good thing in my life
One thing is for sure, never getting with anyone without seeking God first
That one is for sure, for sure 

There are many many things God has to change in me 
But I know at the right time he will do it
I will just continue to walk with him as he shows me the way

Tuesday, 14 April 2015

Where I am

Get Up, Stand Up, Stand Up for your RIGHTS.

Currently listening to some Bob Marley playlist on youtube. It's a really nice day out today in Swindon. Hiiiii, blog. I haven't been here in a while. I guess my long absence is a true testament to my inability coherently articulate my innermost feelings in a way that others can appreciate the true values of my intentions. Lol, Dee Dee just came in "young lady what are you smoking!?" and I just smiled sheepishly. Oh well, yes so back to where I was. Man Bob Marley is a man after my heart.

Intentions, one value I hold most dearly and struggle most with is honesty. I want to be the most honest I can be. The most pure-hearted. I want to mean what I say, say what I mean. A clear tunnel vision from my mouth straight to my heart. That is who I want to be most when I write. I love my twenties guys! Currently, you know I am growing in every sense of the word. My mind continues to expand as I find answers to my never ending questions. I was deeply influenced by Solomon's prayer for wisdom, knowledge and understanding above all else. I have prayed for this since I was young, and I honestly do see God's work in giving me that. I ask a lot of questions. My attitude towards life is always curious. A very curious person. And I can see how from my young age, this has grown into who I am today. God is really awesome you know; I am just glad to be a part of his story. I love history. I love knowing about all that went on before and how that affects us today, because it does. The number one lesson the Bible teaches is that history always repeats itself, but humans never learn. 

I remember the time when I wrote a letter to Obasanjo about agricultural reforms as the way to bring prosperity to Nigeria. I know right, what the hell did an eleven-year-old know? I begged my dad to give the President the letter when he went back to Abuja. Of course, he didn't. In my young mind, I already knew that there was a big vacuum between the leadership and the people. My mum is big on education. She would support you to be anything you want to be as far as you prove to her you want it. She's a fighter. She never gives up and more importantly, she will always seek to speak to truth and do what's right in her eyes and heart in accordance to, the Will of God. Of course, she is a big influence and Mum formed the core of my character. I don't think I could ever express my deep gratitude for teaching me about God's love. More and more I find my questions border on what God wants me to do and what will make Nigeria better. The two questions are the same to me. I know it sounds weird, but I love Nigeria, I SEE HER BEING GREAT. I feel it my bones, in my heart. And I think about it. Every. Day. I read about it. I know it will be great. Can't be asking these questions for nothing. 

Identity is a more accurate description of what the two questions are. Who am I? and What will I do for Nigeria? This is the question I am going to answer in my twenties. Right now, I am in the best school in the world (I am biased, I don't care) and I am trying to write about identity in Nigeria. I am hoping I take this question with me to Columbia U. But right, now I am more focused on this thesis (which is what I should be doing right now, instead of blogging. But I am, because procrastination is my middle name, weed totally imbibes that too, stay away from it guys!). I hope my answers are interesting, still waiting to see what exactly I find. I like big, particular, specific, direct questions that provide solutions to important problems. I want my honest answers to fill the vacuum. I want to speak for those who can't articulate themselves. I feel it is my duty because its the only thing I know how to do. Please do give a round of applause, to King's College London - (Don't you dare change this name. This is like that horrific MUALAG/UNILAG debacle, God forbid!) -  they breed a brand of people called radicals and I love it and I need it and I knew I would be here and I am making the most of it, trust me.

Bob Marley understood the Identity problem I think. Wish more people sang about it. It gets olds vibing to only one guy. Important things I have learnt in my twenties so far.  On who I am? Still trying to understand who God is on that. Born in Africa. I have been trying to read about my ancestors; it's so hard finding things about our pre-colonial Africa. Everything is some else's interpretation, and you have to do the double work of deciphering - kill me! 

I do not like the Eurovision of African, but I get ir and it has value. Though it is helps to kill our identity. It frustrates and makes me angry. Which of course only makes me want to find an answer to who I am. On what I am to do? For now, I just want to travel light around cities I really want to see and stay a couple months, work and meet people. I love meeting people. I love learning and having a great time with people. It gives me great joy, but I also see how it is selfishly motivated, You see, I am inherently introspective (trust me, weed makes it worse, so stay away from it lest you be an anti-social bum-hole, (I'm looking in the mirror, don't mind the harsh words) - so I like to think and people just happen to be what interested him at the moment. I have Porto-Novo, Dakar, Cape Town and Nairobi on my list in case anyone is hiring.  

I am amazed at how much I've grown internally in my absence. Mama sees the difference. I love that with history you can connect dots. See trends. Predict what will happen. The downside is you quickly realise the human race and possibly the earth doomed. The question is how long? Like Chomsky says: Future people reading about us will be amazed at how stupid, selfish, inconsiderate, self-centered and wasteful we are. It's exactly what Jesus warns us about and tries to give us the internal changes we need to rid ourselves of this. We should love everybody. Nothing makes you better than anybody. We are all part of a big story. We should do our best to leave something others can use to write better stories. It's sad Europeans have the dominant narrative of Africa. It makes Stand Up and Fighting for our rights more relevant than just a reggae song. You mustn't let someone else write your story. Your story is who you are, what your identity is and if someone else writes it then who are you?

In Nigeria, you see how we have been unable to answer this for a 100 years.  It kills me because sometimes we kill and hurt each other even though we are all suffering the same fate. I want to answer this question. I want my people to stop fighting, put an end to it once and for all. That's what I plan to do. I love to dream. You are who you think you are. When I was a little girl, I played alone a lot, because my four brothers are like a gazillion years older. I always dreamed that I would be something relevant, but only for the right reasons. Seriously, at that point in my life, young guys who did revolutionary thing gave me life. I think it has something to do with reading Idi Amin's biography over a 100 times. I love Africa. One day we would be who we were born to be. 

Now I must return to my tea and thesis. Youtube Bob Marley, the first playlist is really awesome.

Live, Love and Learn

Friday, 27 December 2013

bound 2

i really can't stop listening to this song
or get it out of my head

i need a diary again
i have so many things to

but, i really don't want
to show the world

how is it possible
to fall in love
and get you heart-
broken, at the same
damn time
by the same
damn person

yeah, life is full of shit

there is some kind
of peace in pain

i have no idea why when
tragedy comes
everything gets 20/20

i really want to change the world.

Tuesday, 24 December 2013

this is my story

…and I'm telling it

i don't know if i'm in love
or i just love you
whatever the difference is

i don't know if you
complete me
or what a complete me
feels like

i do know


you open me
so wide
so so wide
sometimes i'm
uncomfortable with it

other times
it feels right

i hate that everyone
knows everything
about us

i hate that p-r-i-v-a-c-y
doesn't exists for us

i like that our
honesty is

i like that this
shit we're doing
(whatever it is)
is unpretentious

i like that you
accept me for
who i am

i like that i know
exactly who you

i like that
when shit hits
the fan

i know where
you'll be

i'll be right beside
you too

i've always wanted
a chance to say
its me and you
against the whole
fucking world baby.

Sunday, 22 December 2013

commit?commitment? hmm

last night someone asked me what I do
I can't be bothered to explain the
question itself
mostly because my answer is the point
of this post.

i don't think people should be committed
unless they understand what commitment

i have been "committed" before
but i didn't feel committed

so i decided if i was ever going to
commit again
then it would really be because
i felt like i could do it

i mean i have spent my whole life
believing that i can do whatever
i want with whomever i want
as long as they we were willing

so if i was going to end up committing
to one person
then i'd have to change that thinking
i mean i can't just switch off
what i know to be true
just because i've said i do

i think being with someone is an organic
i don't believe in deciding to be with
someone anymore
i think you can say to anyone that
i choose you
and if you mean it
then till death do you part

so i guess what i'm trying to say is
i can't commit unless i'm sure
that i can mean it

mean what you say, say what you mean
i think this is what the bible means

Tuesday, 17 December 2013


I feel like I never post about when I'm happy or having happy thoughts.
Doing this course, my mind keeps expanding and wandering and yeah
I feel like one part of my brain is developing a complex network
with an extensive amount of nodes
and therefore I can't seem to fully answer the questions I have

I met this awesome political economists the other day,
had a chat with him and when he signed my book
he said keep your curiosity alive and well nourished
somehow I think gradually and slowly that's what
I'm shaping my life around

and the more I think about it the more exciting it seems
but then as always I am scared. I feel like I'm standing
somewhere in the middle of the ocean
but far off I can see an island.

but happy thoughts

I feel like my sadness has lifted
and I am content
with my life
and with the choices I've made
I'm more comfortable with them
as weird as it sounds more at peace
my extensive research into God as a concept
and of course history of Jewish people
has kind of landed me firmly in His presence.
and the more I study and learn and discover Him.
I am more at peace.

Sunday, 14 July 2013


sometimes, this overwhelming sadness consumes me
i can't explain where it comes from
because to me, my life is just right

but i feel alone, empty, unhappy
it totally engulfs me
even if I know I lack for nothing
i feel like something is missing

that i need something to fill up
this void
so i don't have to feel this

Tuesday, 14 May 2013

act first, think later

my unofficial mantra

no i'm not nuts
ok maybe i am a little
but i don't go around chanting this
it just sort of always happens

then shit hits the fan
and i realise that my actions
have an impact on the lives of the 
people around me.

thats's when i realised, it probably
wasn't a good thing

riding the waves of my fuck ups

"speed through life in a purple haze
live fast, die young like Kurt Cobain"

somewhere inside i am trying to embrace that

my waves of fuck ups are a part of me.
nothing i can do about that
i fuck up a lot
i don't hide that
i'm confused most of the time
half the time my mind says one thing
my body does a completely different thing

"speed through life in a purple haze"

i make the worst decisions in the world
especially when i know better
maybe thats my demon
inability to do whats in my head to do
my body literally controls me

someone says i just need discipline
i think its self control

but i figure it would probably be easier to just

"...die young like Kurt Cobain"

Sometime I feel like I can't handle myself
Like I just fucking can't think or do anything right

Monday, 13 May 2013

damaged is what they call this

i think it happened a long time.
when I just got my heart broke
and now I just can't bring myself 
to feel anything for anyone

i think i'd want to feel something
like someone
really give myself again
but i find it so hard to get to that place