i wish i had a better camera

i love

pictures, mostly black&white

if i could i would frame almost

every second of my life.

spent the better part of today

deleting duplicates off my itunes

it suddenly developed a mind

of its own and decided to duplicate

itself.

listened to songs i haven't heard in a while

all these memories came rushing back

for me, music captures events of my life

almost as good as pictures do.

i wish i had a better camera.

she will make a beautiful model one day

the ducklings are so adorable, couldn't resist

my biggest inspiration

To a Special Someone

My pops says if a man wants you, tell him he has to work for you. You do not come cheap so he must treat you like you are his whole world, don't accept any less

I know what I want and I cannot accept any less, because to do so I will be compromising myself. This I cannot do because I am all I've got, so what will be left of me if at each bump or hurdle I compromise myself.

Its all about self esteem and self worth. You have to think highly of yourself and be confident in your abilities, you have to sing everyday I am the greatest if you truly believe that.

It is what you project of yourself that people will see, so if you show yourself to be a queen they will most certainly treat you like one.

I am not saying be proud, I am saying be arrogant..and yeah there is a difference.

You can be arrogant in your abilities but yet be humble.

Life is full of troubles, struggles and challenges (quote job 14) but it is also filled with happiness and prosperity.
It is the sum of all these experiences that make you who you are.

It is then left for you to decide what you want to do with it your life. Are u going to let your troubles weigh you down?
You cannot avoid problems, you just have to be prepared for them.

So don't ever let a man put you down, or tell you, you can't do this or you can't do that. Don't be worried that you won't find a man or you won't find another like the one you just lost.

The thing is there is always someone out there who will treat like you deserve to be treated (note that I didn't say want to be treated but deserve because its not always what we want that we need). He will find you.

My pops says a woman should be wooed, and her man must make her feel like she's on top of the world, he should provide for her, take care of her, protect her, cherish her.

You will always find this man.

You need to stop searching, instead focus on you, make yourself happy, build yourself up, because he can only come into your life when the time is right.

So until you are emotionally, physically and spiritually ready that special guy is not going to show so quit searching.

There are a lot of guys that are perfect for you at different stages of your life, but there will be that one guy who would fit like a glove.

But remember shit happens and you might need to fight to keep him other times you might just need to let go for another man to find you.

Quit looking, its his job to find you and if he does he won't ever let you go.

P.S: I wrote that for a friend. I hope you find what you are looking for.

*kisses &Licks*

clarity and confusion

a lot of things have happened to me

in the past month that could potentially

win the award of most ugly experiences

ever!

but its made me realise that sometimes

some things are just beyond your control

really and there are some things you will

never understand.

and it will be annoying and frustrating

and could potentially drive you nuts

but the situation will never change and there

is nothing you can do about it but well

suck it up like a 'man' and move on

lesson learned.

i've been blogging for over a year now.

i hoped for this to be anonymous

but it never really worked out that way.

i've never really got the point of this blog

but i guess its just where i come to relieve

stress.

i don't know if i will continue to randomly blog

or if i will blog more often like i've been promising to

or if i will just close this blog

i'm not sure.

i'm not sure about a lot of things

i hoped that by writing i would get clarity.

but it seems that the more i figure

something out. the more confused i get.

maybe i will never get it.

maybe i should stop trying to figure out

what's good and what's bad

what's right and what's wrong

i'm tired of being confused.

i'm tired of being misunderstood

but more importantly,

i'm tired of not really

understanding me.

my madre says i should stop thinking

maybe that is my problem i think a lot

but then, that is what makes me, me.

cheating on me.

ahriel's thoughts an hour after she finds out...

how could he do this?

how could he do this to me? to us?

does he not love me any more?

does he not value what we have?

twelve hours after....

is something wrong with me?

am i not good enough any more?

is she better than me? is she prettier?

what has she got that i don't?

what does she do that i don't?

her best friends voice in her head....thirty six hours after...

he is just a selfish son of a bitch!

i can't believe he would sleep

with that slut!

you can do better than this

you don't deserve this

he needs to go!

levi's thoughts after sleeping with jasmine

oh fuck! what have i done?

shit shit shit! ahriel can't find out

i am fucked if she does..

eleven hours after...

that was one helluva fuck

wow she was hot

but she doesn't compare to my girl

she was just too good to pass up

but damn my girl can't find out

forty-eight hours after...

damn damn damn! how did she find out

how will i explain that it didn't mean anything

how will i get her to forgive me?

how can i make her see its her i love?

how can i make her see its her i want?

the break up...

you are such a jerk

how could u do this to me

baby i'm sorry

it didn't mean anything

it was an honest mistake

i didn't mean to hurt you

i don't care i cant trust you

get out

i hate you

baby pls you have to

understand me

she didn't mean anything

so what was it? just

a little bit of fun?

yes baby, that's all it was

its you i want

you're the one i love

well you just lost me..

two hours before he slept with her...

hot sexy girl walks by...

levi looks and instantly gets hard

i wonder what she will feel like

with my hand through her hair

hi my name is levi

*killer smile, perfect teeth*

i'm jasmine

can i....

three days after the break up...

ahriel's thoughts

i still love him

i wasn't ready to let go

was he really telling the truth?

he was the love of my life

i want him so much

i miss him so much

what have i done?

levi's thoughts

how do i get her back?

how can i prove to her

that she is all i want?

how can i prove to her

she's the one for me

and i'm the one for her

sometimes cheating isn't such a big deal

in a relationship i guess the most important things

are or rather should be

love, trust and respect. and i don't think

any of them can exist independent of each other

but then do we actually ever really

love completely? trust completely?

respect without reservations?

a relationship at least in this

context is between two people

not three. always keep it that way.

cheating does not signify the end

of a relationship...its just another bump

yes it may be an abuse of trust

yes it can compromise your relationship

yes its a horrible thing to do

yes the hurt you feel could be devastating

in a relationship, every wrong doing is just as bad..no matter what it is

lying is just as bad as cheating.

because you are in essence abusing trust and compromising your relationship.

p.s: my birthday was good...i got so much love. and i'm grateful for the people

in my life.

one life.

sometimes i wonder why we act with so much caution, why do we think before we act, why we always want to act right, do what's right, try to avoid mistakes, take minimal risks...

and i'm not entirely sure why we act this way...

is it to avoid problems, is it to make sure that we don't go off the rails, is it to avoid getting hurt

but no matter what we do, we will still have problems, might still go off the rails, will still get hurt

its my birthday soon. and i'm not as excited as i should be. i'm getting older and people around me keep going on about it, then i realise i haven't done anything with my life, i've experienced very little.

i act with so much caution, keep myself safe, live only in my comfort zone because i refuse to allow myself feel so vulnerable. i like feeling safe. i can go only so far and then hold myself back, keep parts of me hidden.

keep muttering to myself...hold back, just a little.

i want to experience more, do more with myself.

being safe has made me lose things i wasn't ready to give up on

its made me not have what i want sometimes

i want a kind of care free life you know

going with the flow kind of thing

take more risks, keep my eyes closed and do things

not thinking about the consequences

experience things

we only get one life.

and i want to live it.

perfection

...is pointless.

why do we look to be perfect, when we will never be?

why do we want perfect, when it will never be?

why do we need perfection, when it will never be?

this is from a song i like...

"we're only human ohh yes we are"

i think its really important that we remember that, we sometimes get too caught up trying to make ourselves better, that we forget that we can only go so far...we weren't made to be perfect.

imperfections...

we are all imperfect

and this is what

makes us human

Hey, its been a while. I have exams and such and i'm burnt out.

studying has become a myth and other things have taken over.

i have my last exam tomorrow, somehow i will ace it.

Oh and this is for roc

yes he does...and i am trying.