Thursday, 3 September 2009

Letting Go

“Your heart just breaks, that's all. But you can't judge, or point fingers."
-Audrey Hepburn

I heard my bb vibrate from underneath my pillow, I thought it was my mum with her daily 'checking up on my baby' emails.
So I ignored it for a while, angry that I'd woken up so early after all it was only 11.20 I didn't need to be up that early.

I got up layzed about the house a bit, and finally decided to read my emails..The first email I saw wasn't from was a reply to an email I had sent a million light years ago...ok that's an exaggeration it wasn't that long ago.

I read it pretty quickly, then i read it again just to be sure...

It brought back memories, memories to a time I would rather forget, memories of times when I would just sit and cry with so much pain

So I went upstairs to my room, took me a while to get there, my feet felt heavy, my heart felt weary, i was distraught, i'd been pushed back to a place where I was trying so hard to forget, I laid down and curled my self into a ball and cried...

cried till my eyes were red, cried till I had no more tears left to cry...then I thought about him

It had been a blissful couple of weeks the times we shared, it had been wonderful, I had loved and lived for our conversations...I had convinced myself that I was in love with this guy, I mean how could I not love him, he made me so happy and he was everything I wanted

But good things never last too long do they?

I read the email again...and I finally understood what she meant

Focus on yourself and your happiness, because if you don't let him go, he will be still controlling your happiness.

Funny thing is he was controlling my happiness and the sad thing is I let him do it, I mean every time I saw something about him or his girl or whatever, my heart would go all funny on me and I would hate him, then I would remember everything he said..

all the hoping and wishing for a time when we could be together, but then its like I had an epiphany, I'd been holding on to something that wasn't real anymore, holding on to false hope, and false dreams, but shit having a broken heart had to be the most emotionally damaging thing ever...

People have to be held responsible for their choices, and if he chose someone else, then he has to understand that he lost you as a result

I was coming to realise that holding out for him to somehow find his way back to me wasn't healthy, harbouring all this bad feelings towards him wasn't healthy, wishing that one day he'd catch on that I was the one for him was definitely not healthy

simply put i had to let go.

but shit wasn't easy.

still isn't

Moving on is simple, it’s what you leave behind that makes it so difficult

I made a promise to myself that morning, that if I was letting go, it meant no turning back.

I do not wish to erase my memories of him, rather I wish to feel all the hurt and the pain, because I know there will be such a time when this feeling will be but a distant memory, and my memories of him will be blurry.

It's really painful to say goodbye to someone that you don't want to let go

p.s: i'll put the wedding pics up soon, i promise.

p.p.s: this is dedicated to anyone who is going through a hard time