Monday, 20 June 2011

Frustrations & Finding Faith

i just got rejected from yet another job
i wasn't so disappointed at the start
i mean i was looking forward to
finally having a job

but then my mum said something
to me today that let me understand

*you need God*

i never really understood what
it meant to actually serve God

I always thought praying,
reading your bible was enough
but it seems I am wrong.

i am really frustrated with what life
is dishing out to me. I just want to curl
up into a ball and cry all my frustrations away
I am not saying I have a bad life, I have
a great life. I'm just missing something and I think
its God.

You can only go so far by yourself
You need God to carry you the rest of the way

I really want to find God. I just don't know how.

Wednesday, 8 June 2011

The Web

i had my first job interview
i was really excited...i just
kept smiling. i think the
people think i'm an idiot.

its funny how people get
irritated over what people
tweet. i mean you are at home
complaining about someone's
tweet, while the person doesn't
know and doesn't care. damn shame

same applies to life in general.
no one really cares.

i was thinking why people get upset
that people do not act the way they
do in reality on the web. its silly really

here you have a platform for you to
present to the world how you would
really like to be seen; and people are hating
on that *i cringe anytime i use the word hating/hate/hater*

twitter is like the first time u meet someone
u tell them all the wonderful stories about
yourself, mixed with little fibs here and there,
a couple of half truths, white lies, and the
*don't tell anyone but my dad owns a space shuttle type lies*

and u seem so awesome, but unlike the real world
people never get to see your less than awesome self
just what you to choose to show. everyone does this
wonder why people get mad. its entertaining really.

*warning important life lesson*

lose - when you lose something/to be without something
loose - when you become free from an attachment

studying is boring. even for your favourite
subject when you have no motivation.

need. to. stay. focused.


Tuesday, 7 June 2011

Karma a bitch
and she doesn't care
if you didn't mean to.

a classic case of
do unto others
what you want
done to you.

but as humans.
we miss it. every time.

its a vicious cycle,
what happens to us
may continue to be
punishment, retribution,
or reward for something
done in the past.

like i said before.
life. is. not. funny
its depressing shit.

sometimes when someone
does something bad to me
i just want to see them suffer
for it. i wonder if that makes me
a bad person.

expecting too much from someone is recipe
for disaster. you are just setting yourself up
to be hurt.
wipe the tears


Sunday, 15 May 2011


you know in enough the movie
when J.Lo had enough and she
decided to take matters into her own hands?
yeah thats what i feel like doing.

no, not in that violent way.
i'm not about to beat the crap
out of anyone and accidentally (intentionally)
have a dead body on my hands.

its funny how when something
you always wanted is begging you
to take it, but you are too cut up
in your own shit to notice.

its funny how sometimes you
work so hard for something,
but it just manages to escape
you, by the tiniest fraction.

its funny how one day something
is there, and the next its gone.

life. is. not. funny.
its depressing shit.

you know when i think about it
its important not to let life's event
dictate your life for you.
yeah something tragic happened, so what?
is the whole world supposed to stop for you?

i hate when people hold on to the past,
painful or not.

i will never stop reiterating the
importance of learning to let go,
when you hold disappear.
because you change.
and become something else.

things shouldn't change you.
change because you want things
to be different.

even if people are willing to wait
for you, they won't wait forever.
no matter how much they love you.

Saturday, 26 February 2011

Not Sure.

I'm here sat at my desk
I'm trying to write a paper on constructivism
with corrine bailey rae playing in the background.

But my mind keeps wandering I find myself
researching for things I wish I had in my life.

Generally I feel like I am content with the things I have
But once in a while I get that hungry greedy pang of 'wanting more'

It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago and I guess
I'm still stuck where I was last yr.
I have all these big ideas of things I want to do or should
be doing, but I never get around to doing any.

Mostly because I am a lazy ass and just do enough to get by
Largely because I am the BIGGEST procrastinator ever!

I think I have to take my life a little more serious.
I mean I know what I want to be, where I want to go
But I'm too lazy to do things I should do to get me there.

I find now that beyond looking at those 'big girls'
when I was about 10 and being excited to get there (where I am now)
I never had an idea what I was going to do once I was a big girl.
My mum and dad and brothers keep saying "oh! you are a big girl now"
I think this is more in reference's to my age
Because mentally I am not sure I really want to be a 'big girl' right now

I have been trying to adopt a different persona,
Most ppl will say be who you are
But why can't I create who I want to be?
I mean this literally by the way.

I have a passion for nothing and everything.
I mean that I am not entirely passionate about one thing.
But everything.
I just really want to be relevant.
I swear in my mind I do things and sometimes think someone
is documenting my life for my THS
as crazy as it might sound I've thought about this for the past, well since
forever really.

I go to school get good grades and I'm at the point where
I need to decide what direction my life is going to take
Its just so hard, I know what I want
the question how do I make it happen
I've got the best person ever by my side
so that makes life a little more bearable for me

I am still influenced and motivated by the same things.
Nothing has changed on that front.
But I'm changing, I'm changing and I'm not sure how
But I know its happening.

I am learning things everyday.
Things thats used to be relevant,
aren't relevant anymore.

I am ready to start living the life
I am about to create for myself.

I spoke to a old friend today
she said I'm still the same.
In my head I laughed because I feel like I am different
I'm just not sure how.

For one I am more secure in my faith
and even more hungry to learn about it than ever
I am more interested in doing things the right way
than doing things for the moments.

I want to work now so I can enjoy more later
Central to my belief is still Love
I can never give up on it.
It makes my world go round
But something more is evolving
I just don't know what it is

I am not going to say that I am going to start
doing the things that I should be doing
because as much clarity as pouring the inner workings
of my mind on this blog brings, I'm not sure if my life
will become what I want it to be.

It feels good to blog again...