Sunday, 21 June 2009

cogitate

i watched the best man last night, and i cried myself to sleep after.
i've watched this movie at least a 30 times, no lie, but i never really got it till last night. it really is a beautiful movie and it made me realise something important.

lately i've been thinking hard, real hard which is never ever a good thing with me. and i've concluded that the situation i'm in...well it sucks, really sucks.

yesterday someone sent me a song, she said it reminded her of me, i didn't really like the song but i got the message.. "breaking these chains" thats what it said to me.
this week has been an emotional rollercoaster for me, i went from sad to happy back to sad then to indifferent and now just really really sad.

so i decided i can't live like this anymore, i can't hope pray wish for something to happen even if it may happen. i don't like woulda-coulda-shoulda's so i never hope pray wish for anything, i never look to see what the future will-should-can-may hold for me. but for once i did and it was a mistake, a very big mistake.

my friend says everything happens for a reason, im not sure i believe that. i learnt this week
1. never to rely on people
2. never rely on someone else to make you happy
3. loving someone is giving them the power to hurt you
4. to stop being the idiot i've been
5. when doubts start to creep in, you MUST let go

im one of those people that believe love &heartbreak come together, i don't believe they are seperate, i believe that at some point in your life, someone you love will hurt you, it doesn't have to be something overwhelming, it could be the most trifling thing in the world but because you love, it hurts.

its wonderful to love, i love being in love, i love loving its the most wonderful feeling. its kind, its patient, its understanding, its forgiving, its sweet, its loyal, its supportive, its tolerant, its respectful.

but when it hurts. you feel like your world has just come crashing down. you feel so lost, so alone, everything is distorted, its not as it should be. you are left broken, damaged and you are all alone to pick up the pieces - that i think is the worst feeling ever.

i embrace both.

when i watched the best man last night, i saw what love for what it really is, i saw that no matter how many times someone fucks up, if they still love you and you them, you shouldn't give up on them.
i saw that fucking up should not destroy something, it should only make you realise how special what you have is, and how much you should preserve it.
i saw what woulda-coulda-shoulda type of love for what it was, it doesn't allow you to give yourself 100% to another, it prevents you from seeing whats right in front of you, even if in your mind you think its perfect, its not, because nothing is perfect.

this is the kind of love that is dangerous. it may end up being the wonderful feeling you want it to be. but the truth is that life happens and with life comes change, its inevitable, people change, things change, and when they do, that love will change. so hoping praying wishing for something that has changed is never sensible, its like hoping to go back in time.

so this is the question i've been asking all week, how do you when its the right time to let go? i figured when things change, let go, when you doubt, let go, when it doesn't feel right, its not right, so let go.

letting go is not very easy. i think its one of the hardest things ever. but in time everything will be fine. even if i know its true, i find it hard to believe.

but this is the battle i've been fighting with myself all weekend, i went out thursday night with a couple of the girlies, it was a lovely night. but then the thinking started. it went back and forth between religion &relationships. this is a story for another day lol its unhealthy really because i think im more confused than ever. i will not digress.

...live for the moment, never again will i hope-pray-wish for anything again. i'm not saying i don't have goals, aspirations, wants, desires but i will create as many paths as i can to get them, but thats just me, i don't like rules, i dont like restrictions.

10 comments:

  1. aww i think a lot of wat uve sed about love n letting go is verryy true. BUT on the list of things uv learnd this week ii fink number 4 is wrong cos uv nott been an idiot!! n number 1 isn completely tru cos u can wiv sum ppl! just gta make sure there d right ppl :))
    xxx

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  2. aww is an undrstatement th3 best man is a classic..n u shud c love joness azwell...all i cn sae izz jus dntb in ahurry.....yea...lovin sum1 iz givn them ammunition against u!!...thtzz y u nid 2 protect urself n stay away from the LOSERZ n JERKS ov this world...wev gt the hole ov our livess 2 fynd tht speciall personnn...nt sure if they exist buh heyy..wer allowed 2 dreamm..n actualli fynd awt

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  3. Lovelyy....This post has made me happy and proud of you. You are a blessing to me infact. lol
    Yes darlene, everything you said has been undoubtedly accurate, but i agree with anonymous 2. u might be an idiot (haha) but Number 1 isnt completely true. Amidst the fact that we really shouldnt trust humans, we must atleast learn to trust a little...:-)You dont want to mke a mistake or loose some1 cus u cnt learn to trust u see.

    I hope you get my drift tho. Plus Love hurts but hey you'll get over it i promise. Its just one of those many things. And you have to help urslf too, go out there and have maaad fun, get crazy!! Realise that you hav only one life to live and you're not going to spend most of it thinkin of sum dude thats probabli enjoyin his life.

    Plus hey i was just thinking about that too! haha. I fucking hate rules! shit!

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  4. This has made me come to my senses, it's like being in a bubble and thinking nothing can ever happen to you there but when that bubble bursts you see everything else clearly...
    Impressive and true.

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  5. woah... i gt u.. bt in tym some of your views will change.......

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  6. OMG I SO AGREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! WE DO HAVE TO LIVE FOR THE MOMENT....I USED TO WANNA FALL IN LOVE QUICKLY AND LIKE GET MARRIED AND THE WHOLE FAIRY TALE SHANANEGAN!! BUT NOW IM ALL FOR WAITIN! WHATS THE POINT OF STAYIN IN LOVE WITH SOME ONE KNOWIN U WONT DO MUCH BUT THINK ABOUT STAYIN WIT EACH OTHER FOREVER!!! THERE IS NOTHIN WRONG WITH LIVIN LIFE WITHOUT FORCED OBLIGATIONS!!!!!! OBVIOUSLY WHEN WE GET OLDER OUR VIEWS WILL CHANGE BUT THATS WHEN WE START TALKIN MARRAIGE BUT FOR NOW ITS ALL ABOUT LIVIN CHILLIN HANGIN WITH UR CLOSEST FRIENDS AND TOTALLY AVOIDIN HEARTACHE!!!!!!!

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  7. My love!
    I agree with u and everything u wrote but then we need to understand not to totally trust but to have some sort of trust! Trust is really what builds relationships. Yes Love hurts but I learnt the hard way that is what makes it what it is. Love without the arguments and disappointments is not really love. There will always be trials but the reality is love is the ability to look past these disappointments. It is true that letting go is one of the best decisions to make but then sometimes when we let go too easy we lose out on a greater opportunity.
    Good Job boo!
    :)

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  8. i love thiss hun i believe love someone gves denm d powwer to hurt u especially wen guys know u lik dem on the oda hand u dd a gd job girlfriend

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  9. SIGH***
    tru talk darl.... i can see ur growing up...lol....
    hu did u strong thn btw?...
    mwahh....

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