So I'm sitting here at my table, thinking about the mountain of work I have to do before I can even start revision but I cant seem to concentrate because I have zero motivation. Of late it like my life has been on a rollercoaster ride and I hate rollercoasters, I like things to be smooth with the occassional bump. I dont mind that. But when things are moving to fast and are constatly changing I know its time to have a rain check because I become very uncomfortable.
I spent almost two hours today thinking about my life, what I'd accomplished. what I had failed at. what I still wanted to do but hadn't done, what was missing. what had hurt me. what I wanted. what I needed.
Through reflecting I sort of figured somethings out about my self
I love life...I try to live it but sometimes I'm too scared of the unknown to go into it
I enjoy being safe sometimes too safe
I love procastination we are best friends
I am too trusting of people
..and some other things
So now I need to re-evaluate what it is that is important to me, and as simple as it sounds, Im scared because this means I am reaching the stage where Im supposed to cut out all unmeaningful elements in my life, all rubbish, all the bullshit that is there, but why is it so hard to let go to?? Even if the force that is begging me not to let go of bad habits and bad things is strong my determination to eliminate them is renewed because I refuse to have my life run by insignificant things, its time to change.
Re-structuring has gone on smoothly, mostly because I had an interesting conversation with my aunty yesterday and although she listened to me for hours, she rarely said anything and I discovered something interesting about myself, I am scared, very scared to do things, I dont know why but thats just the way I am. I know now that my life needed a change yesterday, but as lazy as i am i havent gotten around to doing so.
So I'm going to stop doing things for the sake of doing them
I'm going to only keep things and people in my life who are worth it
I'm going to be more cautious of what I do and who I allow myself to trust
I am going to learn to be brave and get what it is I want.need.desire.deserve.
and most of all I'm going to love those who love me because after everything thats all that really matters.
Re-inventing, this is going to be the hardest bit you see because, I have stripped myself of all the layers of protection I had all the coverings that kept me hidden and safe from everything and everyone, this is a journey I feel will take a while because I am re-discovering who I am and I hope to God I find out soon enough, right now with me so vulnerable and so many emotions running wild, so many thoughts, so many dreams, so many wants, so many needs I need to figure out a way to fit them into this new me, yes a new and improved version of me.
Even if I've been crying for the past hour, I can smile now because I know its going to be alright.