act first, think later

my unofficial mantra

no i'm not nuts
ok maybe i am a little
but i don't go around chanting this
it just sort of always happens

then shit hits the fan
and i realise that my actions
have an impact on the lives of the 
people around me.

thats's when i realised, it probably
wasn't a good thing

riding the waves of my fuck ups

"speed through life in a purple haze

live fast, die young like Kurt Cobain"

somewhere inside i am trying to embrace that

my waves of fuck ups are a part of me.

nothing i can do about that

i fuck up a lot

i don't hide that

i'm confused most of the time

half the time my mind says one thing

my body does a completely different thing

"speed through life in a purple haze"

i make the worst decisions in the world

especially when i know better

maybe thats my demon

inability to do whats in my head to do

my body literally controls me

someone says i just need discipline

i think its self control

but i figure it would probably be easier to just

"...die young like Kurt Cobain"

Sometime I feel like I can't handle myself

Like I just fucking can't think or do anything right

damaged is what they call this

i think it happened a long time.
when I just got my heart broke
and now I just can't bring myself 
to feel anything for anyone

i think i'd want to feel something
like someone
really give myself again
but i find it so hard to get to that place

not much a life you're living

i have a lot to say, but i can't seem to put it down.

my mind is like a running at 500 miles an hr and 

it can't seem to stop.

trying to figure out where your life is going

or what you're going to do with it 

After the worst.

To say I am lost is an understatement of how I feel right now
So much on my mind all the time, my eyes just swell up
with tears, and I'm never sure of why the tears fall, never sure

On this blog time and time again, I have said heartbreaks don't keep me down
I believe our hearts are supposed to break, if not then you've probably never
loved.

Well I don did it again, went and gave my heart to someone I'm still not
sure deserved it. Months and months later I'm not sure if I'm better off
or I am stagnant emotionally.

For the first time ever, I am scared to let my heart go again, I am becoming
weary of who I give it to, I don't know if my heart can take anymore
bruising, or if there's anything left to break.

I am not proud of a lot of the choices I've made, but for some reason,
in all the wrongs, this felt so right.

All I really want to know is why things fall/fell apart, sometimes closure is all you
ever really need to be able to move on. To be denied this is probably more cruel
than death. Its hard to accept you've lost something when you keep it
alive in your mind everyday. You're probably aware its unhealthy,
but you do it anyways.

That wandering thinking thing that you do, always rehearsing shit in your
mind tryna figure out why it didn't go the way you wanted it, wondering
if it could ever be/what could have been.

That hope is the killer.

I hate that emotions are fickle and fleeting.I hate that some have this ability to
turn it off at a moments notice, maybe its an art that has taken years to perfect
or maybe its inscribed in their DNA.Who knows?
What I do know is that somehow I've been (un)fortunate
not to possess this ability.

Life is a bitch, Love is worse.

Killing the free spirit.

I kind of lost myself these past two years.
I look through my old posts on this blog
and remember this me, I miss her and
I desperately want to be her again.

                                            Crucified by our actions

That's the fucked up thing about this world.

Frustrations & Finding Faith

i just got rejected from yet another job

i wasn't so disappointed at the start

i mean i was looking forward to

finally having a job

but then my mum said something

to me today that let me understand

something

*you need God*

i never really understood what

it meant to actually serve God

I always thought praying,

reading your bible was enough

but it seems I am wrong.

i am really frustrated with what life

is dishing out to me. I just want to curl

up into a ball and cry all my frustrations away

I am not saying I have a bad life, I have

a great life. I'm just missing something and I think

its God.

You can only go so far by yourself

You need God to carry you the rest of the way

I really want to find God. I just don't know how.

The Web

i had my first job interview

i was really excited...i just

kept smiling. i think the

people think i'm an idiot.

its funny how people get

irritated over what people

tweet. i mean you are at home

complaining about someone's

tweet, while the person doesn't

know and doesn't care. damn shame

same applies to life in general.

no one really cares.

i was thinking why people get upset

that people do not act the way they

do in reality on the web. its silly really

here you have a platform for you to

present to the world how you would

really like to be seen; and people are hating

on that *i cringe anytime i use the word hating/hate/hater*

twitter is like the first time u meet someone

u tell them all the wonderful stories about

yourself, mixed with little fibs here and there,

a couple of half truths, white lies, and the

*don't tell anyone but my dad owns a space shuttle type lies*

and u seem so awesome, but unlike the real world

people never get to see your less than awesome self

just what you to choose to show. everyone does this

wonder why people get mad. its entertaining really.

*warning important life lesson*

lose - when you lose something/to be without something

loose - when you become free from an attachment

studying is boring. even for your favourite

subject when you have no motivation.

need. to. stay. focused.

love&live.

Karma

...is a bitch

and she doesn't care

if you didn't mean to.

a classic case of

do unto others

what you want

done to you.

but as humans.

we miss it. every time.

its a vicious cycle,

what happens to us

may continue to be

punishment, retribution,

or reward for something

done in the past.

like i said before.

life. is. not. funny

its depressing shit.

sometimes when someone

does something bad to me

i just want to see them suffer

for it. i wonder if that makes me

a bad person.

expecting too much from someone is recipe

for disaster. you are just setting yourself up

to be hurt.

wipe the tears

love&live

enough.

you know in enough the movie

when J.Lo had enough and she

decided to take matters into her own hands?

yeah thats what i feel like doing.

no, not in that violent way.

i'm not about to beat the crap

out of anyone and accidentally (intentionally)

have a dead body on my hands.

its funny how when something

you always wanted is begging you

to take it, but you are too cut up

in your own shit to notice.

its funny how sometimes you

work so hard for something,

but it just manages to escape

you, by the tiniest fraction.

its funny how one day something

is there, and the next its gone.

life. is. not. funny.

its depressing shit.

you know when i think about it

its important not to let life's event

dictate your life for you.

yeah something tragic happened, so what?

is the whole world supposed to stop for you?

i hate when people hold on to the past,

painful or not.

life.will.not.wait.for.you.

i will never stop reiterating the

importance of learning to let go,

when you hold on..you disappear.

because you change.

and become something else.

things shouldn't change you.

change because you want things

to be different.

even if people are willing to wait

for you, they won't wait forever.

no matter how much they love you.