Saturday, 26 February 2011

Not Sure.

I'm here sat at my desk
I'm trying to write a paper on constructivism
with corrine bailey rae playing in the background.

But my mind keeps wandering I find myself
researching for things I wish I had in my life.

Generally I feel like I am content with the things I have
But once in a while I get that hungry greedy pang of 'wanting more'

It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago and I guess
I'm still stuck where I was last yr.
I have all these big ideas of things I want to do or should
be doing, but I never get around to doing any.

Mostly because I am a lazy ass and just do enough to get by
Largely because I am the BIGGEST procrastinator ever!

I think I have to take my life a little more serious.
I mean I know what I want to be, where I want to go
But I'm too lazy to do things I should do to get me there.

I find now that beyond looking at those 'big girls'
when I was about 10 and being excited to get there (where I am now)
I never had an idea what I was going to do once I was a big girl.
My mum and dad and brothers keep saying "oh! you are a big girl now"
I think this is more in reference's to my age
Because mentally I am not sure I really want to be a 'big girl' right now

I have been trying to adopt a different persona,
Most ppl will say be who you are
But why can't I create who I want to be?
I mean this literally by the way.

I have a passion for nothing and everything.
I mean that I am not entirely passionate about one thing.
But everything.
I just really want to be relevant.
I swear in my mind I do things and sometimes think someone
is documenting my life for my THS
as crazy as it might sound I've thought about this for the past, well since
forever really.

I go to school get good grades and I'm at the point where
I need to decide what direction my life is going to take
Its just so hard, I know what I want
the question how do I make it happen
I've got the best person ever by my side
so that makes life a little more bearable for me

I am still influenced and motivated by the same things.
Nothing has changed on that front.
But I'm changing, I'm changing and I'm not sure how
But I know its happening.

I am learning things everyday.
Things thats used to be relevant,
aren't relevant anymore.

I am ready to start living the life
I am about to create for myself.

I spoke to a old friend today
she said I'm still the same.
In my head I laughed because I feel like I am different
I'm just not sure how.

For one I am more secure in my faith
and even more hungry to learn about it than ever
I am more interested in doing things the right way
than doing things for the moments.

I want to work now so I can enjoy more later
Central to my belief is still Love
I can never give up on it.
It makes my world go round
But something more is evolving
I just don't know what it is

I am not going to say that I am going to start
doing the things that I should be doing
because as much clarity as pouring the inner workings
of my mind on this blog brings, I'm not sure if my life
will become what I want it to be.

It feels good to blog again...