Letting Go

“Your heart just breaks, that's all. But you can't judge, or point fingers."
-Audrey Hepburn

I heard my bb vibrate from underneath my pillow, I thought it was my mum with her daily 'checking up on my baby' emails.
So I ignored it for a while, angry that I'd woken up so early after all it was only 11.20 I didn't need to be up that early.

I got up layzed about the house a bit, and finally decided to read my emails..The first email I saw wasn't from mother....it was a reply to an email I had sent a million light years ago...ok that's an exaggeration it wasn't that long ago.

I read it pretty quickly, then i read it again just to be sure...

It brought back memories, memories to a time I would rather forget, memories of times when I would just sit and cry with so much pain

So I went upstairs to my room, took me a while to get there, my feet felt heavy, my heart felt weary, i was distraught, i'd been pushed back to a place where I was trying so hard to forget, I laid down and curled my self into a ball and cried...

cried till my eyes were red, cried till I had no more tears left to cry...then I thought about him

It had been a blissful couple of weeks the times we shared, it had been wonderful, I had loved and lived for our conversations...I had convinced myself that I was in love with this guy, I mean how could I not love him, he made me so happy and he was everything I wanted

But good things never last too long do they?

I read the email again...and I finally understood what she meant

Focus on yourself and your happiness, because if you don't let him go, he will be still controlling your happiness.

Funny thing is he was controlling my happiness and the sad thing is I let him do it, I mean every time I saw something about him or his girl or whatever, my heart would go all funny on me and I would hate him, then I would remember everything he said..

all the hoping and wishing for a time when we could be together, but then its like I had an epiphany, I'd been holding on to something that wasn't real anymore, holding on to false hope, and false dreams, but shit having a broken heart had to be the most emotionally damaging thing ever...

People have to be held responsible for their choices, and if he chose someone else, then he has to understand that he lost you as a result

I was coming to realise that holding out for him to somehow find his way back to me wasn't healthy, harbouring all this bad feelings towards him wasn't healthy, wishing that one day he'd catch on that I was the one for him was definitely not healthy

simply put i had to let go.

but shit wasn't easy.

still isn't

Moving on is simple, it’s what you leave behind that makes it so difficult

I made a promise to myself that morning, that if I was letting go, it meant no turning back.

I do not wish to erase my memories of him, rather I wish to feel all the hurt and the pain, because I know there will be such a time when this feeling will be but a distant memory, and my memories of him will be blurry.

It's really painful to say goodbye to someone that you don't want to let go

p.s: i'll put the wedding pics up soon, i promise.

p.p.s: this is dedicated to anyone who is going through a hard time

wooooosahhhhhhhh!!!

the title is wosaaaah because today was theraputic.

before i start, i want to say thank you to the wonderful people in my life. and no this does not include any member of my family because they are pissing me off atm, yes everyone single one of them. this is directed at one of the most wonderful friends in the world..luu, she really is an amazing person and im so happy that i have her in my life. i love her too much even when she shouts at me lol i still love her, she's been a rock for some time now, so yeah im basically saying thank you for being there. and to uzo, thank you for listening to all my ramblings and frustrations and weird reasonings and questions and rationalising things with me.

so today was an amazing day, i had the bestest time with my girlies (nixx and mel), we went camden and i discovered an amazing up &coming japanese designer, he sells great tshirts and i fell in love with lace in this real pretty japanese lady's store.

so lately i've been reading about Japan...a lot and it's so amazing, im planning a holiday there soon, their art, culture, fashion oh the fashion is soo amazing. i wont digress too much.

anyone who reads this blog will know that i have been fighting some serious inner battles lately, and i will tell you this shit hasn't been easy lol, but im happy now, like i've had this stupid smile on my face all day its ridiculous.

i love learning, i learn from everything, people, experiences, places, food, anything i learn from it. so when shit like this happens i take it as a learning experience. i see it as a chance for me to grow and for me to be a better person.

i'm not sure i want to talk about the reason for the hurt, but someone hurt me really badly and as luu will say "theres no harm in making mistakes" lol. im starting to believe that, i think im starting to enjoy the mistakes i've made in my life, because you see i'm a very stubborn person and i guess i have to experience something to truly learn from it. i am very inquisitive, i wont stop till i get the answers i want/need so i guess thats the reason for this.

trying to get answers to why my heart was crumbling was the reason for the battles, i tried to understand logically what had happend, i wanted to know when things changed, i wanted to know how they changed without me realising, i just wanted answers and i got them, last night lol

i was supposed to come back to talk to luu last night but i had dishes to wash and then i started thinking about stuff and then i got carried away talking to my cuzzy and somehow i slept, sorry for leaving you hanging yesterday luu lol.

so i realised that it all went wrong because i had only listened. words. i have learnt that words can't do shit for me and i dont like them. i really honestly don't like words, i need to see you do what you say you mean. i need to stop listening and start seeing &feeling.

words are empty, if you want me to believe you, i need to feel what you are saying.
don't tell me things you think i want to hear, its not a nice thing. i prefer raw unadulterated honesty i can handle it.

i'm not completely healed, but im getting there.

cogitate

i watched the best man last night, and i cried myself to sleep after.
i've watched this movie at least a 30 times, no lie, but i never really got it till last night. it really is a beautiful movie and it made me realise something important.

lately i've been thinking hard, real hard which is never ever a good thing with me. and i've concluded that the situation i'm in...well it sucks, really sucks.

yesterday someone sent me a song, she said it reminded her of me, i didn't really like the song but i got the message.. "breaking these chains" thats what it said to me.
this week has been an emotional rollercoaster for me, i went from sad to happy back to sad then to indifferent and now just really really sad.

so i decided i can't live like this anymore, i can't hope pray wish for something to happen even if it may happen. i don't like woulda-coulda-shoulda's so i never hope pray wish for anything, i never look to see what the future will-should-can-may hold for me. but for once i did and it was a mistake, a very big mistake.

my friend says everything happens for a reason, im not sure i believe that. i learnt this week
1. never to rely on people
2. never rely on someone else to make you happy
3. loving someone is giving them the power to hurt you
4. to stop being the idiot i've been
5. when doubts start to creep in, you MUST let go

im one of those people that believe love &heartbreak come together, i don't believe they are seperate, i believe that at some point in your life, someone you love will hurt you, it doesn't have to be something overwhelming, it could be the most trifling thing in the world but because you love, it hurts.

its wonderful to love, i love being in love, i love loving its the most wonderful feeling. its kind, its patient, its understanding, its forgiving, its sweet, its loyal, its supportive, its tolerant, its respectful.

but when it hurts. you feel like your world has just come crashing down. you feel so lost, so alone, everything is distorted, its not as it should be. you are left broken, damaged and you are all alone to pick up the pieces - that i think is the worst feeling ever.

i embrace both.

when i watched the best man last night, i saw what love for what it really is, i saw that no matter how many times someone fucks up, if they still love you and you them, you shouldn't give up on them.
i saw that fucking up should not destroy something, it should only make you realise how special what you have is, and how much you should preserve it.
i saw what woulda-coulda-shoulda type of love for what it was, it doesn't allow you to give yourself 100% to another, it prevents you from seeing whats right in front of you, even if in your mind you think its perfect, its not, because nothing is perfect.

this is the kind of love that is dangerous. it may end up being the wonderful feeling you want it to be. but the truth is that life happens and with life comes change, its inevitable, people change, things change, and when they do, that love will change. so hoping praying wishing for something that has changed is never sensible, its like hoping to go back in time.

so this is the question i've been asking all week, how do you when its the right time to let go? i figured when things change, let go, when you doubt, let go, when it doesn't feel right, its not right, so let go.

letting go is not very easy. i think its one of the hardest things ever. but in time everything will be fine. even if i know its true, i find it hard to believe.

but this is the battle i've been fighting with myself all weekend, i went out thursday night with a couple of the girlies, it was a lovely night. but then the thinking started. it went back and forth between religion &relationships. this is a story for another day lol its unhealthy really because i think im more confused than ever. i will not digress.

...live for the moment, never again will i hope-pray-wish for anything again. i'm not saying i don't have goals, aspirations, wants, desires but i will create as many paths as i can to get them, but thats just me, i don't like rules, i dont like restrictions.