cogitate

i watched the best man last night, and i cried myself to sleep after.
i've watched this movie at least a 30 times, no lie, but i never really got it till last night. it really is a beautiful movie and it made me realise something important.

lately i've been thinking hard, real hard which is never ever a good thing with me. and i've concluded that the situation i'm in...well it sucks, really sucks.

yesterday someone sent me a song, she said it reminded her of me, i didn't really like the song but i got the message.. "breaking these chains" thats what it said to me.
this week has been an emotional rollercoaster for me, i went from sad to happy back to sad then to indifferent and now just really really sad.

so i decided i can't live like this anymore, i can't hope pray wish for something to happen even if it may happen. i don't like woulda-coulda-shoulda's so i never hope pray wish for anything, i never look to see what the future will-should-can-may hold for me. but for once i did and it was a mistake, a very big mistake.

my friend says everything happens for a reason, im not sure i believe that. i learnt this week
1. never to rely on people
2. never rely on someone else to make you happy
3. loving someone is giving them the power to hurt you
4. to stop being the idiot i've been
5. when doubts start to creep in, you MUST let go

im one of those people that believe love &heartbreak come together, i don't believe they are seperate, i believe that at some point in your life, someone you love will hurt you, it doesn't have to be something overwhelming, it could be the most trifling thing in the world but because you love, it hurts.

its wonderful to love, i love being in love, i love loving its the most wonderful feeling. its kind, its patient, its understanding, its forgiving, its sweet, its loyal, its supportive, its tolerant, its respectful.

but when it hurts. you feel like your world has just come crashing down. you feel so lost, so alone, everything is distorted, its not as it should be. you are left broken, damaged and you are all alone to pick up the pieces - that i think is the worst feeling ever.

i embrace both.

when i watched the best man last night, i saw what love for what it really is, i saw that no matter how many times someone fucks up, if they still love you and you them, you shouldn't give up on them.
i saw that fucking up should not destroy something, it should only make you realise how special what you have is, and how much you should preserve it.
i saw what woulda-coulda-shoulda type of love for what it was, it doesn't allow you to give yourself 100% to another, it prevents you from seeing whats right in front of you, even if in your mind you think its perfect, its not, because nothing is perfect.

this is the kind of love that is dangerous. it may end up being the wonderful feeling you want it to be. but the truth is that life happens and with life comes change, its inevitable, people change, things change, and when they do, that love will change. so hoping praying wishing for something that has changed is never sensible, its like hoping to go back in time.

so this is the question i've been asking all week, how do you when its the right time to let go? i figured when things change, let go, when you doubt, let go, when it doesn't feel right, its not right, so let go.

letting go is not very easy. i think its one of the hardest things ever. but in time everything will be fine. even if i know its true, i find it hard to believe.

but this is the battle i've been fighting with myself all weekend, i went out thursday night with a couple of the girlies, it was a lovely night. but then the thinking started. it went back and forth between religion &relationships. this is a story for another day lol its unhealthy really because i think im more confused than ever. i will not digress.

...live for the moment, never again will i hope-pray-wish for anything again. i'm not saying i don't have goals, aspirations, wants, desires but i will create as many paths as i can to get them, but thats just me, i don't like rules, i dont like restrictions.