this is my story

…and I'm telling it

i don't know if i'm in love
or i just love you
whatever the difference is

i don't know if you
complete me
or what a complete me
feels like

i do know

that

you open me
so wide
so so wide
sometimes i'm
uncomfortable with it

other times
it feels right

i hate that everyone
knows everything
about us

i hate that p-r-i-v-a-c-y
doesn't exists for us

i like that our
honesty is
unpretentious

i like that this
shit we're doing
(whatever it is)
is unpretentious

i like that you
accept me for
who i am

i like that i know
exactly who you
are

i like that
when shit hits
the fan

i know where
you'll be

i'll be right beside
you too

i've always wanted
a chance to say
its me and you
against the whole
fucking world baby.

commit?commitment? hmm

last night someone asked me what I do
I can't be bothered to explain the
question itself
mostly because my answer is the point
of this post.

i don't think people should be committed
unless they understand what commitment
means.

i have been "committed" before
but i didn't feel committed

so i decided if i was ever going to
commit again
then it would really be because
i felt like i could do it

i mean i have spent my whole life
believing that i can do whatever
i want with whomever i want
as long as they we were willing

so if i was going to end up committing
to one person
ever
then i'd have to change that thinking
i mean i can't just switch off
what i know to be true
just because i've said i do

i think being with someone is an organic
process
i don't believe in deciding to be with
someone anymore
i think you can say to anyone that
i choose you
and if you mean it
then till death do you part

so i guess what i'm trying to say is
i can't commit unless i'm sure
that i can mean it

mean what you say, say what you mean
i think this is what the bible means

Content.

I feel like I never post about when I'm happy or having happy thoughts.
Doing this course, my mind keeps expanding and wandering and yeah
I feel like one part of my brain is developing a complex network
with an extensive amount of nodes
and therefore I can't seem to fully answer the questions I have

I met this awesome political economists the other day,
had a chat with him and when he signed my book
he said keep your curiosity alive and well nourished
somehow I think gradually and slowly that's what
I'm shaping my life around

and the more I think about it the more exciting it seems
but then as always I am scared. I feel like I'm standing
somewhere in the middle of the ocean
but far off I can see an island.

but happy thoughts

I feel like my sadness has lifted
and I am content
with my life
and with the choices I've made
I'm more comfortable with them
as weird as it sounds more at peace
my extensive research into God as a concept
and of course history of Jewish people
has kind of landed me firmly in His presence.
and the more I study and learn and discover Him.
I am more at peace.

sadness

sometimes, this overwhelming sadness consumes me
i can't explain where it comes from
because to me, my life is just right

but i feel alone, empty, unhappy
it totally engulfs me
even if I know I lack for nothing
i feel like something is missing

that i need something to fill up
this void
so i don't have to feel this
sadness

act first, think later

my unofficial mantra

no i'm not nuts
ok maybe i am a little
but i don't go around chanting this
it just sort of always happens

then shit hits the fan
and i realise that my actions
have an impact on the lives of the 
people around me.

thats's when i realised, it probably
wasn't a good thing

riding the waves of my fuck ups

"speed through life in a purple haze

live fast, die young like Kurt Cobain"

somewhere inside i am trying to embrace that

my waves of fuck ups are a part of me.

nothing i can do about that

i fuck up a lot

i don't hide that

i'm confused most of the time

half the time my mind says one thing

my body does a completely different thing

"speed through life in a purple haze"

i make the worst decisions in the world

especially when i know better

maybe thats my demon

inability to do whats in my head to do

my body literally controls me

someone says i just need discipline

i think its self control

but i figure it would probably be easier to just

"...die young like Kurt Cobain"

Sometime I feel like I can't handle myself

Like I just fucking can't think or do anything right

damaged is what they call this

i think it happened a long time.
when I just got my heart broke
and now I just can't bring myself 
to feel anything for anyone

i think i'd want to feel something
like someone
really give myself again
but i find it so hard to get to that place

not much a life you're living

i have a lot to say, but i can't seem to put it down.

my mind is like a running at 500 miles an hr and 

it can't seem to stop.

trying to figure out where your life is going

or what you're going to do with it 

After the worst.

To say I am lost is an understatement of how I feel right now
So much on my mind all the time, my eyes just swell up
with tears, and I'm never sure of why the tears fall, never sure

On this blog time and time again, I have said heartbreaks don't keep me down
I believe our hearts are supposed to break, if not then you've probably never
loved.

Well I don did it again, went and gave my heart to someone I'm still not
sure deserved it. Months and months later I'm not sure if I'm better off
or I am stagnant emotionally.

For the first time ever, I am scared to let my heart go again, I am becoming
weary of who I give it to, I don't know if my heart can take anymore
bruising, or if there's anything left to break.

I am not proud of a lot of the choices I've made, but for some reason,
in all the wrongs, this felt so right.

All I really want to know is why things fall/fell apart, sometimes closure is all you
ever really need to be able to move on. To be denied this is probably more cruel
than death. Its hard to accept you've lost something when you keep it
alive in your mind everyday. You're probably aware its unhealthy,
but you do it anyways.

That wandering thinking thing that you do, always rehearsing shit in your
mind tryna figure out why it didn't go the way you wanted it, wondering
if it could ever be/what could have been.

That hope is the killer.

I hate that emotions are fickle and fleeting.I hate that some have this ability to
turn it off at a moments notice, maybe its an art that has taken years to perfect
or maybe its inscribed in their DNA.Who knows?
What I do know is that somehow I've been (un)fortunate
not to possess this ability.

Life is a bitch, Love is worse.

Killing the free spirit.

I kind of lost myself these past two years.
I look through my old posts on this blog
and remember this me, I miss her and
I desperately want to be her again.

                                            Crucified by our actions

That's the fucked up thing about this world.