Killing the free spirit.

I kind of lost myself these past two years.
I look through my old posts on this blog
and remember this me, I miss her and
I desperately want to be her again.

                                            Crucified by our actions

That's the fucked up thing about this world.

Frustrations & Finding Faith

i just got rejected from yet another job

i wasn't so disappointed at the start

i mean i was looking forward to

finally having a job

but then my mum said something

to me today that let me understand

something

*you need God*

i never really understood what

it meant to actually serve God

I always thought praying,

reading your bible was enough

but it seems I am wrong.

i am really frustrated with what life

is dishing out to me. I just want to curl

up into a ball and cry all my frustrations away

I am not saying I have a bad life, I have

a great life. I'm just missing something and I think

its God.

You can only go so far by yourself

You need God to carry you the rest of the way

I really want to find God. I just don't know how.

The Web

i had my first job interview

i was really excited...i just

kept smiling. i think the

people think i'm an idiot.

its funny how people get

irritated over what people

tweet. i mean you are at home

complaining about someone's

tweet, while the person doesn't

know and doesn't care. damn shame

same applies to life in general.

no one really cares.

i was thinking why people get upset

that people do not act the way they

do in reality on the web. its silly really

here you have a platform for you to

present to the world how you would

really like to be seen; and people are hating

on that *i cringe anytime i use the word hating/hate/hater*

twitter is like the first time u meet someone

u tell them all the wonderful stories about

yourself, mixed with little fibs here and there,

a couple of half truths, white lies, and the

*don't tell anyone but my dad owns a space shuttle type lies*

and u seem so awesome, but unlike the real world

people never get to see your less than awesome self

just what you to choose to show. everyone does this

wonder why people get mad. its entertaining really.

*warning important life lesson*

lose - when you lose something/to be without something

loose - when you become free from an attachment

studying is boring. even for your favourite

subject when you have no motivation.

need. to. stay. focused.

love&live.

Karma

...is a bitch

and she doesn't care

if you didn't mean to.

a classic case of

do unto others

what you want

done to you.

but as humans.

we miss it. every time.

its a vicious cycle,

what happens to us

may continue to be

punishment, retribution,

or reward for something

done in the past.

like i said before.

life. is. not. funny

its depressing shit.

sometimes when someone

does something bad to me

i just want to see them suffer

for it. i wonder if that makes me

a bad person.

expecting too much from someone is recipe

for disaster. you are just setting yourself up

to be hurt.

wipe the tears

love&live

enough.

you know in enough the movie

when J.Lo had enough and she

decided to take matters into her own hands?

yeah thats what i feel like doing.

no, not in that violent way.

i'm not about to beat the crap

out of anyone and accidentally (intentionally)

have a dead body on my hands.

its funny how when something

you always wanted is begging you

to take it, but you are too cut up

in your own shit to notice.

its funny how sometimes you

work so hard for something,

but it just manages to escape

you, by the tiniest fraction.

its funny how one day something

is there, and the next its gone.

life. is. not. funny.

its depressing shit.

you know when i think about it

its important not to let life's event

dictate your life for you.

yeah something tragic happened, so what?

is the whole world supposed to stop for you?

i hate when people hold on to the past,

painful or not.

life.will.not.wait.for.you.

i will never stop reiterating the

importance of learning to let go,

when you hold on..you disappear.

because you change.

and become something else.

things shouldn't change you.

change because you want things

to be different.

even if people are willing to wait

for you, they won't wait forever.

no matter how much they love you.

Not Sure.

I'm here sat at my desk

I'm trying to write a paper on constructivism

with corrine bailey rae playing in the background.

But my mind keeps wandering I find myself

researching for things I wish I had in my life.

Generally I feel like I am content with the things I have

But once in a while I get that hungry greedy pang of 'wanting more'

It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago and I guess

I'm still stuck where I was last yr.

I have all these big ideas of things I want to do or should

be doing, but I never get around to doing any.

Mostly because I am a lazy ass and just do enough to get by

Largely because I am the BIGGEST procrastinator ever!

I think I have to take my life a little more serious.

I mean I know what I want to be, where I want to go

But I'm too lazy to do things I should do to get me there.

I find now that beyond looking at those 'big girls'

when I was about 10 and being excited to get there (where I am now)

I never had an idea what I was going to do once I was a big girl.

My mum and dad and brothers keep saying "oh! you are a big girl now"

I think this is more in reference's to my age

Because mentally I am not sure I really want to be a 'big girl' right now

I have been trying to adopt a different persona,

Most ppl will say be who you are

But why can't I create who I want to be?

I mean this literally by the way.

I have a passion for nothing and everything.

I mean that I am not entirely passionate about one thing.

But everything.

I just really want to be relevant.

I swear in my mind I do things and sometimes think someone

is documenting my life for my THS

as crazy as it might sound I've thought about this for the past, well since

forever really.

I go to school get good grades and I'm at the point where

I need to decide what direction my life is going to take

Its just so hard, I know what I want

the question how do I make it happen

I've got the best person ever by my side

so that makes life a little more bearable for me

I am still influenced and motivated by the same things.

Nothing has changed on that front.

But I'm changing, I'm changing and I'm not sure how

But I know its happening.

I am learning things everyday.

Things thats used to be relevant,

aren't relevant anymore.

I am ready to start living the life

I am about to create for myself.

I spoke to a old friend today

she said I'm still the same.

In my head I laughed because I feel like I am different

I'm just not sure how.

For one I am more secure in my faith

and even more hungry to learn about it than ever

I am more interested in doing things the right way

than doing things for the moments.

I want to work now so I can enjoy more later

Central to my belief is still Love

I can never give up on it.

It makes my world go round

But something more is evolving

I just don't know what it is

I am not going to say that I am going to start

doing the things that I should be doing

because as much clarity as pouring the inner workings

of my mind on this blog brings, I'm not sure if my life

will become what I want it to be.

It feels good to blog again...

i wish i had a better camera

i love

pictures, mostly black&white

if i could i would frame almost

every second of my life.

spent the better part of today

deleting duplicates off my itunes

it suddenly developed a mind

of its own and decided to duplicate

itself.

listened to songs i haven't heard in a while

all these memories came rushing back

for me, music captures events of my life

almost as good as pictures do.

i wish i had a better camera.

she will make a beautiful model one day

the ducklings are so adorable, couldn't resist

my biggest inspiration

To a Special Someone

My pops says if a man wants you, tell him he has to work for you. You do not come cheap so he must treat you like you are his whole world, don't accept any less

I know what I want and I cannot accept any less, because to do so I will be compromising myself. This I cannot do because I am all I've got, so what will be left of me if at each bump or hurdle I compromise myself.

Its all about self esteem and self worth. You have to think highly of yourself and be confident in your abilities, you have to sing everyday I am the greatest if you truly believe that.

It is what you project of yourself that people will see, so if you show yourself to be a queen they will most certainly treat you like one.

I am not saying be proud, I am saying be arrogant..and yeah there is a difference.

You can be arrogant in your abilities but yet be humble.

Life is full of troubles, struggles and challenges (quote job 14) but it is also filled with happiness and prosperity.
It is the sum of all these experiences that make you who you are.

It is then left for you to decide what you want to do with it your life. Are u going to let your troubles weigh you down?
You cannot avoid problems, you just have to be prepared for them.

So don't ever let a man put you down, or tell you, you can't do this or you can't do that. Don't be worried that you won't find a man or you won't find another like the one you just lost.

The thing is there is always someone out there who will treat like you deserve to be treated (note that I didn't say want to be treated but deserve because its not always what we want that we need). He will find you.

My pops says a woman should be wooed, and her man must make her feel like she's on top of the world, he should provide for her, take care of her, protect her, cherish her.

You will always find this man.

You need to stop searching, instead focus on you, make yourself happy, build yourself up, because he can only come into your life when the time is right.

So until you are emotionally, physically and spiritually ready that special guy is not going to show so quit searching.

There are a lot of guys that are perfect for you at different stages of your life, but there will be that one guy who would fit like a glove.

But remember shit happens and you might need to fight to keep him other times you might just need to let go for another man to find you.

Quit looking, its his job to find you and if he does he won't ever let you go.

P.S: I wrote that for a friend. I hope you find what you are looking for.

*kisses &Licks*

clarity and confusion

a lot of things have happened to me

in the past month that could potentially

win the award of most ugly experiences

ever!

but its made me realise that sometimes

some things are just beyond your control

really and there are some things you will

never understand.

and it will be annoying and frustrating

and could potentially drive you nuts

but the situation will never change and there

is nothing you can do about it but well

suck it up like a 'man' and move on

lesson learned.

i've been blogging for over a year now.

i hoped for this to be anonymous

but it never really worked out that way.

i've never really got the point of this blog

but i guess its just where i come to relieve

stress.

i don't know if i will continue to randomly blog

or if i will blog more often like i've been promising to

or if i will just close this blog

i'm not sure.

i'm not sure about a lot of things

i hoped that by writing i would get clarity.

but it seems that the more i figure

something out. the more confused i get.

maybe i will never get it.

maybe i should stop trying to figure out

what's good and what's bad

what's right and what's wrong

i'm tired of being confused.

i'm tired of being misunderstood

but more importantly,

i'm tired of not really

understanding me.

my madre says i should stop thinking

maybe that is my problem i think a lot

but then, that is what makes me, me.

cheating on me.

ahriel's thoughts an hour after she finds out...

how could he do this?

how could he do this to me? to us?

does he not love me any more?

does he not value what we have?

twelve hours after....

is something wrong with me?

am i not good enough any more?

is she better than me? is she prettier?

what has she got that i don't?

what does she do that i don't?

her best friends voice in her head....thirty six hours after...

he is just a selfish son of a bitch!

i can't believe he would sleep

with that slut!

you can do better than this

you don't deserve this

he needs to go!

levi's thoughts after sleeping with jasmine

oh fuck! what have i done?

shit shit shit! ahriel can't find out

i am fucked if she does..

eleven hours after...

that was one helluva fuck

wow she was hot

but she doesn't compare to my girl

she was just too good to pass up

but damn my girl can't find out

forty-eight hours after...

damn damn damn! how did she find out

how will i explain that it didn't mean anything

how will i get her to forgive me?

how can i make her see its her i love?

how can i make her see its her i want?

the break up...

you are such a jerk

how could u do this to me

baby i'm sorry

it didn't mean anything

it was an honest mistake

i didn't mean to hurt you

i don't care i cant trust you

get out

i hate you

baby pls you have to

understand me

she didn't mean anything

so what was it? just

a little bit of fun?

yes baby, that's all it was

its you i want

you're the one i love

well you just lost me..

two hours before he slept with her...

hot sexy girl walks by...

levi looks and instantly gets hard

i wonder what she will feel like

with my hand through her hair

hi my name is levi

*killer smile, perfect teeth*

i'm jasmine

can i....

three days after the break up...

ahriel's thoughts

i still love him

i wasn't ready to let go

was he really telling the truth?

he was the love of my life

i want him so much

i miss him so much

what have i done?

levi's thoughts

how do i get her back?

how can i prove to her

that she is all i want?

how can i prove to her

she's the one for me

and i'm the one for her

sometimes cheating isn't such a big deal

in a relationship i guess the most important things

are or rather should be

love, trust and respect. and i don't think

any of them can exist independent of each other

but then do we actually ever really

love completely? trust completely?

respect without reservations?

a relationship at least in this

context is between two people

not three. always keep it that way.

cheating does not signify the end

of a relationship...its just another bump

yes it may be an abuse of trust

yes it can compromise your relationship

yes its a horrible thing to do

yes the hurt you feel could be devastating

in a relationship, every wrong doing is just as bad..no matter what it is

lying is just as bad as cheating.

because you are in essence abusing trust and compromising your relationship.

p.s: my birthday was good...i got so much love. and i'm grateful for the people

in my life.