From my heart

I am going through such a painful hurtful time.

I seem to only come to on this blog when matters of the heart arise.

I was hoping with this relationship I was not going to go through any more heartbreaks

Obviously, I thought very wrong.

Nonetheless, I believe as always what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger

It's been a little over two weeks, I have less bad days now than I did a week ago

The sad, confused state is over 

I am now trying to work out what happened

But now, the anger is starting to set in

I don't want to be angry because someone rejected me

I want to love them despite the pain I feel

Not love him as if he were my lover

But love him that I feel no animosity.

This year has been a year of struggle for me.

I have finally accepted that I am different

And though the world tries to break me, I find that I am more confident in my uniqueness

Last year, I committed my life fully to God

And I am happy I am now following the way Christ has laid down for me

I asked him to break and remould me 

Starting from the inside

And I know HE is working inside of me

And in the right season, I WILL bear fruit

I am thankful God has blessed me with a content spirit

No matter how much or how little I have

I have learnt to not want what I don't have

I have learnt to not even allow such thoughts cross my mind

Through this heartbreak, I know God will do a good thing in my life

One thing is for sure, never getting with anyone without seeking God first

That one is for sure, for sure 

There are many many things God has to change in me 

But I know at the right time he will do it

I will just continue to walk with him as he shows me the way

Where I am

Get Up, Stand Up, Stand Up for your RIGHTS.

Currently listening to some Bob Marley playlist on youtube. It's a really nice day out today in Swindon. Hiiiii, blog. I haven't been here in a while. I guess my long absence is a true testament to my inability coherently articulate my innermost feelings in a way that others can appreciate the true values of my intentions. Lol, Dee Dee just came in "young lady what are you smoking!?" and I just smiled sheepishly. Oh well, yes so back to where I was. Man Bob Marley is a man after my heart.

Intentions, one value I hold most dearly and struggle most with is honesty. I want to be the most honest I can be. The most pure-hearted. I want to mean what I say, say what I mean. A clear tunnel vision from my mouth straight to my heart. That is who I want to be most when I write. I love my twenties guys! Currently, you know I am growing in every sense of the word. My mind continues to expand as I find answers to my never ending questions. I was deeply influenced by Solomon's prayer for wisdom, knowledge and understanding above all else. I have prayed for this since I was young, and I honestly do see God's work in giving me that. I ask a lot of questions. My attitude towards life is always curious. A very curious person. And I can see how from my young age, this has grown into who I am today. God is really awesome you know; I am just glad to be a part of his story. I love history. I love knowing about all that went on before and how that affects us today, because it does. The number one lesson the Bible teaches is that history always repeats itself, but humans never learn. 

I remember the time when I wrote a letter to Obasanjo about agricultural reforms as the way to bring prosperity to Nigeria. I know right, what the hell did an eleven-year-old know? I begged my dad to give the President the letter when he went back to Abuja. Of course, he didn't. In my young mind, I already knew that there was a big vacuum between the leadership and the people. My mum is big on education. She would support you to be anything you want to be as far as you prove to her you want it. She's a fighter. She never gives up and more importantly, she will always seek to speak to truth and do what's right in her eyes and heart in accordance to, the Will of God. Of course, she is a big influence and Mum formed the core of my character. I don't think I could ever express my deep gratitude for teaching me about God's love. More and more I find my questions border on what God wants me to do and what will make Nigeria better. The two questions are the same to me. I know it sounds weird, but I love Nigeria, I SEE HER BEING GREAT. I feel it my bones, in my heart. And I think about it. Every. Day. I read about it. I know it will be great. Can't be asking these questions for nothing. 

Identity is a more accurate description of what the two questions are. Who am I? and What will I do for Nigeria? This is the question I am going to answer in my twenties. Right now, I am in the best school in the world (I am biased, I don't care) and I am trying to write about identity in Nigeria. I am hoping I take this question with me to Columbia U. But right, now I am more focused on this thesis (which is what I should be doing right now, instead of blogging. But I am, because procrastination is my middle name, weed totally imbibes that too, stay away from it guys!). I hope my answers are interesting, still waiting to see what exactly I find. I like big, particular, specific, direct questions that provide solutions to important problems. I want my honest answers to fill the vacuum. I want to speak for those who can't articulate themselves. I feel it is my duty because its the only thing I know how to do. Please do give a round of applause, to King's College London - (Don't you dare change this name. This is like that horrific MUALAG/UNILAG debacle, God forbid!) -  they breed a brand of people called radicals and I love it and I need it and I knew I would be here and I am making the most of it, trust me.

Bob Marley understood the Identity problem I think. Wish more people sang about it. It gets olds vibing to only one guy. Important things I have learnt in my twenties so far.  On who I am? Still trying to understand who God is on that. Born in Africa. I have been trying to read about my ancestors; it's so hard finding things about our pre-colonial Africa. Everything is some else's interpretation, and you have to do the double work of deciphering - kill me! 

I do not like the Eurovision of African, but I get ir and it has value. Though it is helps to kill our identity. It frustrates and makes me angry. Which of course only makes me want to find an answer to who I am. On what I am to do? For now, I just want to travel light around cities I really want to see and stay a couple months, work and meet people. I love meeting people. I love learning and having a great time with people. It gives me great joy, but I also see how it is selfishly motivated, You see, I am inherently introspective (trust me, weed makes it worse, so stay away from it lest you be an anti-social bum-hole, (I'm looking in the mirror, don't mind the harsh words) - so I like to think and people just happen to be what interested him at the moment. I have Porto-Novo, Dakar, Cape Town and Nairobi on my list in case anyone is hiring.  

I am amazed at how much I've grown internally in my absence. Mama sees the difference. I love that with history you can connect dots. See trends. Predict what will happen. The downside is you quickly realise the human race and possibly the earth doomed. The question is how long? Like Chomsky says: Future people reading about us will be amazed at how stupid, selfish, inconsiderate, self-centered and wasteful we are. It's exactly what Jesus warns us about and tries to give us the internal changes we need to rid ourselves of this. We should love everybody. Nothing makes you better than anybody. We are all part of a big story. We should do our best to leave something others can use to write better stories. It's sad Europeans have the dominant narrative of Africa. It makes Stand Up and Fighting for our rights more relevant than just a reggae song. You mustn't let someone else write your story. Your story is who you are, what your identity is and if someone else writes it then who are you?

In Nigeria, you see how we have been unable to answer this for a 100 years.  It kills me because sometimes we kill and hurt each other even though we are all suffering the same fate. I want to answer this question. I want my people to stop fighting, put an end to it once and for all. That's what I plan to do. I love to dream. You are who you think you are. When I was a little girl, I played alone a lot, because my four brothers are like a gazillion years older. I always dreamed that I would be something relevant, but only for the right reasons. Seriously, at that point in my life, young guys who did revolutionary thing gave me life. I think it has something to do with reading Idi Amin's biography over a 100 times. I love Africa. One day we would be who we were born to be. 

Now I must return to my tea and thesis. Youtube Bob Marley, the first playlist is really awesome.

Live, Love and Learn

bound 2

i really can't stop listening to this song
or get it out of my head

i need a diary again
i have so many things to
say

but, i really don't want
to show the world

how is it possible
to fall in love
and get you heart-
broken, at the same
damn time
by the same
damn person

yeah, life is full of shit

there is some kind
of peace in pain

i have no idea why when
tragedy comes
everything gets 20/20
vision

i really want to change the world.

this is my story

…and I'm telling it

i don't know if i'm in love
or i just love you
whatever the difference is

i don't know if you
complete me
or what a complete me
feels like

i do know

that

you open me
so wide
so so wide
sometimes i'm
uncomfortable with it

other times
it feels right

i hate that everyone
knows everything
about us

i hate that p-r-i-v-a-c-y
doesn't exists for us

i like that our
honesty is
unpretentious

i like that this
shit we're doing
(whatever it is)
is unpretentious

i like that you
accept me for
who i am

i like that i know
exactly who you
are

i like that
when shit hits
the fan

i know where
you'll be

i'll be right beside
you too

i've always wanted
a chance to say
its me and you
against the whole
fucking world baby.

commit?commitment? hmm

last night someone asked me what I do
I can't be bothered to explain the
question itself
mostly because my answer is the point
of this post.

i don't think people should be committed
unless they understand what commitment
means.

i have been "committed" before
but i didn't feel committed

so i decided if i was ever going to
commit again
then it would really be because
i felt like i could do it

i mean i have spent my whole life
believing that i can do whatever
i want with whomever i want
as long as they we were willing

so if i was going to end up committing
to one person
ever
then i'd have to change that thinking
i mean i can't just switch off
what i know to be true
just because i've said i do

i think being with someone is an organic
process
i don't believe in deciding to be with
someone anymore
i think you can say to anyone that
i choose you
and if you mean it
then till death do you part

so i guess what i'm trying to say is
i can't commit unless i'm sure
that i can mean it

mean what you say, say what you mean
i think this is what the bible means

Content.

I feel like I never post about when I'm happy or having happy thoughts.
Doing this course, my mind keeps expanding and wandering and yeah
I feel like one part of my brain is developing a complex network
with an extensive amount of nodes
and therefore I can't seem to fully answer the questions I have

I met this awesome political economists the other day,
had a chat with him and when he signed my book
he said keep your curiosity alive and well nourished
somehow I think gradually and slowly that's what
I'm shaping my life around

and the more I think about it the more exciting it seems
but then as always I am scared. I feel like I'm standing
somewhere in the middle of the ocean
but far off I can see an island.

but happy thoughts

I feel like my sadness has lifted
and I am content
with my life
and with the choices I've made
I'm more comfortable with them
as weird as it sounds more at peace
my extensive research into God as a concept
and of course history of Jewish people
has kind of landed me firmly in His presence.
and the more I study and learn and discover Him.
I am more at peace.

sadness

sometimes, this overwhelming sadness consumes me
i can't explain where it comes from
because to me, my life is just right

but i feel alone, empty, unhappy
it totally engulfs me
even if I know I lack for nothing
i feel like something is missing

that i need something to fill up
this void
so i don't have to feel this
sadness

act first, think later

my unofficial mantra

no i'm not nuts
ok maybe i am a little
but i don't go around chanting this
it just sort of always happens

then shit hits the fan
and i realise that my actions
have an impact on the lives of the 
people around me.

thats's when i realised, it probably
wasn't a good thing

riding the waves of my fuck ups

"speed through life in a purple haze

live fast, die young like Kurt Cobain"

somewhere inside i am trying to embrace that

my waves of fuck ups are a part of me.

nothing i can do about that

i fuck up a lot

i don't hide that

i'm confused most of the time

half the time my mind says one thing

my body does a completely different thing

"speed through life in a purple haze"

i make the worst decisions in the world

especially when i know better

maybe thats my demon

inability to do whats in my head to do

my body literally controls me

someone says i just need discipline

i think its self control

but i figure it would probably be easier to just

"...die young like Kurt Cobain"

Sometime I feel like I can't handle myself

Like I just fucking can't think or do anything right

damaged is what they call this

i think it happened a long time.
when I just got my heart broke
and now I just can't bring myself 
to feel anything for anyone

i think i'd want to feel something
like someone
really give myself again
but i find it so hard to get to that place

not much a life you're living

i have a lot to say, but i can't seem to put it down.

my mind is like a running at 500 miles an hr and 

it can't seem to stop.

trying to figure out where your life is going

or what you're going to do with it 

After the worst.

To say I am lost is an understatement of how I feel right now
So much on my mind all the time, my eyes just swell up
with tears, and I'm never sure of why the tears fall, never sure

On this blog time and time again, I have said heartbreaks don't keep me down
I believe our hearts are supposed to break, if not then you've probably never
loved.

Well I don did it again, went and gave my heart to someone I'm still not
sure deserved it. Months and months later I'm not sure if I'm better off
or I am stagnant emotionally.

For the first time ever, I am scared to let my heart go again, I am becoming
weary of who I give it to, I don't know if my heart can take anymore
bruising, or if there's anything left to break.

I am not proud of a lot of the choices I've made, but for some reason,
in all the wrongs, this felt so right.

All I really want to know is why things fall/fell apart, sometimes closure is all you
ever really need to be able to move on. To be denied this is probably more cruel
than death. Its hard to accept you've lost something when you keep it
alive in your mind everyday. You're probably aware its unhealthy,
but you do it anyways.

That wandering thinking thing that you do, always rehearsing shit in your
mind tryna figure out why it didn't go the way you wanted it, wondering
if it could ever be/what could have been.

That hope is the killer.

I hate that emotions are fickle and fleeting.I hate that some have this ability to
turn it off at a moments notice, maybe its an art that has taken years to perfect
or maybe its inscribed in their DNA.Who knows?
What I do know is that somehow I've been (un)fortunate
not to possess this ability.

Life is a bitch, Love is worse.

Killing the free spirit.

I kind of lost myself these past two years.
I look through my old posts on this blog
and remember this me, I miss her and
I desperately want to be her again.

                                            Crucified by our actions

That's the fucked up thing about this world.

Frustrations & Finding Faith

i just got rejected from yet another job

i wasn't so disappointed at the start

i mean i was looking forward to

finally having a job

but then my mum said something

to me today that let me understand

something

*you need God*

i never really understood what

it meant to actually serve God

I always thought praying,

reading your bible was enough

but it seems I am wrong.

i am really frustrated with what life

is dishing out to me. I just want to curl

up into a ball and cry all my frustrations away

I am not saying I have a bad life, I have

a great life. I'm just missing something and I think

its God.

You can only go so far by yourself

You need God to carry you the rest of the way

I really want to find God. I just don't know how.

The Web

i had my first job interview

i was really excited...i just

kept smiling. i think the

people think i'm an idiot.

its funny how people get

irritated over what people

tweet. i mean you are at home

complaining about someone's

tweet, while the person doesn't

know and doesn't care. damn shame

same applies to life in general.

no one really cares.

i was thinking why people get upset

that people do not act the way they

do in reality on the web. its silly really

here you have a platform for you to

present to the world how you would

really like to be seen; and people are hating

on that *i cringe anytime i use the word hating/hate/hater*

twitter is like the first time u meet someone

u tell them all the wonderful stories about

yourself, mixed with little fibs here and there,

a couple of half truths, white lies, and the

*don't tell anyone but my dad owns a space shuttle type lies*

and u seem so awesome, but unlike the real world

people never get to see your less than awesome self

just what you to choose to show. everyone does this

wonder why people get mad. its entertaining really.

*warning important life lesson*

lose - when you lose something/to be without something

loose - when you become free from an attachment

studying is boring. even for your favourite

subject when you have no motivation.

need. to. stay. focused.

love&live.

Karma

...is a bitch

and she doesn't care

if you didn't mean to.

a classic case of

do unto others

what you want

done to you.

but as humans.

we miss it. every time.

its a vicious cycle,

what happens to us

may continue to be

punishment, retribution,

or reward for something

done in the past.

like i said before.

life. is. not. funny

its depressing shit.

sometimes when someone

does something bad to me

i just want to see them suffer

for it. i wonder if that makes me

a bad person.

expecting too much from someone is recipe

for disaster. you are just setting yourself up

to be hurt.

wipe the tears

love&live

enough.

you know in enough the movie

when J.Lo had enough and she

decided to take matters into her own hands?

yeah thats what i feel like doing.

no, not in that violent way.

i'm not about to beat the crap

out of anyone and accidentally (intentionally)

have a dead body on my hands.

its funny how when something

you always wanted is begging you

to take it, but you are too cut up

in your own shit to notice.

its funny how sometimes you

work so hard for something,

but it just manages to escape

you, by the tiniest fraction.

its funny how one day something

is there, and the next its gone.

life. is. not. funny.

its depressing shit.

you know when i think about it

its important not to let life's event

dictate your life for you.

yeah something tragic happened, so what?

is the whole world supposed to stop for you?

i hate when people hold on to the past,

painful or not.

life.will.not.wait.for.you.

i will never stop reiterating the

importance of learning to let go,

when you hold on..you disappear.

because you change.

and become something else.

things shouldn't change you.

change because you want things

to be different.

even if people are willing to wait

for you, they won't wait forever.

no matter how much they love you.

Not Sure.

I'm here sat at my desk

I'm trying to write a paper on constructivism

with corrine bailey rae playing in the background.

But my mind keeps wandering I find myself

researching for things I wish I had in my life.

Generally I feel like I am content with the things I have

But once in a while I get that hungry greedy pang of 'wanting more'

It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago and I guess

I'm still stuck where I was last yr.

I have all these big ideas of things I want to do or should

be doing, but I never get around to doing any.

Mostly because I am a lazy ass and just do enough to get by

Largely because I am the BIGGEST procrastinator ever!

I think I have to take my life a little more serious.

I mean I know what I want to be, where I want to go

But I'm too lazy to do things I should do to get me there.

I find now that beyond looking at those 'big girls'

when I was about 10 and being excited to get there (where I am now)

I never had an idea what I was going to do once I was a big girl.

My mum and dad and brothers keep saying "oh! you are a big girl now"

I think this is more in reference's to my age

Because mentally I am not sure I really want to be a 'big girl' right now

I have been trying to adopt a different persona,

Most ppl will say be who you are

But why can't I create who I want to be?

I mean this literally by the way.

I have a passion for nothing and everything.

I mean that I am not entirely passionate about one thing.

But everything.

I just really want to be relevant.

I swear in my mind I do things and sometimes think someone

is documenting my life for my THS

as crazy as it might sound I've thought about this for the past, well since

forever really.

I go to school get good grades and I'm at the point where

I need to decide what direction my life is going to take

Its just so hard, I know what I want

the question how do I make it happen

I've got the best person ever by my side

so that makes life a little more bearable for me

I am still influenced and motivated by the same things.

Nothing has changed on that front.

But I'm changing, I'm changing and I'm not sure how

But I know its happening.

I am learning things everyday.

Things thats used to be relevant,

aren't relevant anymore.

I am ready to start living the life

I am about to create for myself.

I spoke to a old friend today

she said I'm still the same.

In my head I laughed because I feel like I am different

I'm just not sure how.

For one I am more secure in my faith

and even more hungry to learn about it than ever

I am more interested in doing things the right way

than doing things for the moments.

I want to work now so I can enjoy more later

Central to my belief is still Love

I can never give up on it.

It makes my world go round

But something more is evolving

I just don't know what it is

I am not going to say that I am going to start

doing the things that I should be doing

because as much clarity as pouring the inner workings

of my mind on this blog brings, I'm not sure if my life

will become what I want it to be.

It feels good to blog again...

i wish i had a better camera

i love

pictures, mostly black&white

if i could i would frame almost

every second of my life.

spent the better part of today

deleting duplicates off my itunes

it suddenly developed a mind

of its own and decided to duplicate

itself.

listened to songs i haven't heard in a while

all these memories came rushing back

for me, music captures events of my life

almost as good as pictures do.

i wish i had a better camera.

she will make a beautiful model one day

the ducklings are so adorable, couldn't resist

my biggest inspiration

To a Special Someone

My pops says if a man wants you, tell him he has to work for you. You do not come cheap so he must treat you like you are his whole world, don't accept any less

I know what I want and I cannot accept any less, because to do so I will be compromising myself. This I cannot do because I am all I've got, so what will be left of me if at each bump or hurdle I compromise myself.

Its all about self esteem and self worth. You have to think highly of yourself and be confident in your abilities, you have to sing everyday I am the greatest if you truly believe that.

It is what you project of yourself that people will see, so if you show yourself to be a queen they will most certainly treat you like one.

I am not saying be proud, I am saying be arrogant..and yeah there is a difference.

You can be arrogant in your abilities but yet be humble.

Life is full of troubles, struggles and challenges (quote job 14) but it is also filled with happiness and prosperity.
It is the sum of all these experiences that make you who you are.

It is then left for you to decide what you want to do with it your life. Are u going to let your troubles weigh you down?
You cannot avoid problems, you just have to be prepared for them.

So don't ever let a man put you down, or tell you, you can't do this or you can't do that. Don't be worried that you won't find a man or you won't find another like the one you just lost.

The thing is there is always someone out there who will treat like you deserve to be treated (note that I didn't say want to be treated but deserve because its not always what we want that we need). He will find you.

My pops says a woman should be wooed, and her man must make her feel like she's on top of the world, he should provide for her, take care of her, protect her, cherish her.

You will always find this man.

You need to stop searching, instead focus on you, make yourself happy, build yourself up, because he can only come into your life when the time is right.

So until you are emotionally, physically and spiritually ready that special guy is not going to show so quit searching.

There are a lot of guys that are perfect for you at different stages of your life, but there will be that one guy who would fit like a glove.

But remember shit happens and you might need to fight to keep him other times you might just need to let go for another man to find you.

Quit looking, its his job to find you and if he does he won't ever let you go.

P.S: I wrote that for a friend. I hope you find what you are looking for.

*kisses &Licks*