bound 2

i really can't stop listening to this song
or get it out of my head

i need a diary again
i have so many things to
say

but, i really don't want
to show the world

how is it possible
to fall in love
and get you heart-
broken, at the same
damn time
by the same
damn person

yeah, life is full of shit

there is some kind
of peace in pain

i have no idea why when
tragedy comes
everything gets 20/20
vision

i really want to change the world.

this is my story

…and I'm telling it

i don't know if i'm in love
or i just love you
whatever the difference is

i don't know if you
complete me
or what a complete me
feels like

i do know

that

you open me
so wide
so so wide
sometimes i'm
uncomfortable with it

other times
it feels right

i hate that everyone
knows everything
about us

i hate that p-r-i-v-a-c-y
doesn't exists for us

i like that our
honesty is
unpretentious

i like that this
shit we're doing
(whatever it is)
is unpretentious

i like that you
accept me for
who i am

i like that i know
exactly who you
are

i like that
when shit hits
the fan

i know where
you'll be

i'll be right beside
you too

i've always wanted
a chance to say
its me and you
against the whole
fucking world baby.

commit?commitment? hmm

last night someone asked me what I do
I can't be bothered to explain the
question itself
mostly because my answer is the point
of this post.

i don't think people should be committed
unless they understand what commitment
means.

i have been "committed" before
but i didn't feel committed

so i decided if i was ever going to
commit again
then it would really be because
i felt like i could do it

i mean i have spent my whole life
believing that i can do whatever
i want with whomever i want
as long as they we were willing

so if i was going to end up committing
to one person
ever
then i'd have to change that thinking
i mean i can't just switch off
what i know to be true
just because i've said i do

i think being with someone is an organic
process
i don't believe in deciding to be with
someone anymore
i think you can say to anyone that
i choose you
and if you mean it
then till death do you part

so i guess what i'm trying to say is
i can't commit unless i'm sure
that i can mean it

mean what you say, say what you mean
i think this is what the bible means

Content.

I feel like I never post about when I'm happy or having happy thoughts.
Doing this course, my mind keeps expanding and wandering and yeah
I feel like one part of my brain is developing a complex network
with an extensive amount of nodes
and therefore I can't seem to fully answer the questions I have

I met this awesome political economists the other day,
had a chat with him and when he signed my book
he said keep your curiosity alive and well nourished
somehow I think gradually and slowly that's what
I'm shaping my life around

and the more I think about it the more exciting it seems
but then as always I am scared. I feel like I'm standing
somewhere in the middle of the ocean
but far off I can see an island.

but happy thoughts

I feel like my sadness has lifted
and I am content
with my life
and with the choices I've made
I'm more comfortable with them
as weird as it sounds more at peace
my extensive research into God as a concept
and of course history of Jewish people
has kind of landed me firmly in His presence.
and the more I study and learn and discover Him.
I am more at peace.

sadness

sometimes, this overwhelming sadness consumes me
i can't explain where it comes from
because to me, my life is just right

but i feel alone, empty, unhappy
it totally engulfs me
even if I know I lack for nothing
i feel like something is missing

that i need something to fill up
this void
so i don't have to feel this
sadness

act first, think later

my unofficial mantra

no i'm not nuts
ok maybe i am a little
but i don't go around chanting this
it just sort of always happens

then shit hits the fan
and i realise that my actions
have an impact on the lives of the 
people around me.

thats's when i realised, it probably
wasn't a good thing

riding the waves of my fuck ups

"speed through life in a purple haze

live fast, die young like Kurt Cobain"

somewhere inside i am trying to embrace that

my waves of fuck ups are a part of me.

nothing i can do about that

i fuck up a lot

i don't hide that

i'm confused most of the time

half the time my mind says one thing

my body does a completely different thing

"speed through life in a purple haze"

i make the worst decisions in the world

especially when i know better

maybe thats my demon

inability to do whats in my head to do

my body literally controls me

someone says i just need discipline

i think its self control

but i figure it would probably be easier to just

"...die young like Kurt Cobain"

Sometime I feel like I can't handle myself

Like I just fucking can't think or do anything right

damaged is what they call this

i think it happened a long time.
when I just got my heart broke
and now I just can't bring myself 
to feel anything for anyone

i think i'd want to feel something
like someone
really give myself again
but i find it so hard to get to that place

not much a life you're living

i have a lot to say, but i can't seem to put it down.

my mind is like a running at 500 miles an hr and 

it can't seem to stop.

trying to figure out where your life is going

or what you're going to do with it